Journal

"almost halfway"

Sunday, May 5 2024

My eyes have been glued to the louder parts of the internet lately (twitter, sigh i know) and I really needed a break. I'm pretty tired while i'm typing this but I did want to make an entry. I'm done with my first semester back in college and I'm waiting on official grades to come out. I'm a bit nervous but I'm sure it'll be fine. Summer semester is looking far more relaxed so I'll be able to put some more focus into the site and some other things I want to work on.

Yesterday I was actually working on a new digital artpiece. It feels...okay? I don't fully know what I'm trying to do yet, but the base is there i think. We'll just have to see. I might compile a bunch of new stuff before I post any. I want to really play around a few ideas before committing to putting them out anywhere.

That's it for now though. Will probably start working on bringing an art section to the site soon, and upload older stuff from a few years ago. Till then. Happy sunday.

(7:57pm)

Tuesday, April 30 2024 (May? Tomorrow? How the hell...)

Okay...so I've been beyond lazy lately. Which is crazy since I have A final tomorrow and on thursday. I need to lock in but my body and my brain just refuses. I've been trying to study but I keep thinking about this site and creating stuff and just, making things in general. I WANT TO MAKE THINGS!! I'll finally have the time to do it too with the next few months coming. Haven't opened up photoshop or illustrator yet but I need to. Just to see if I remember anything I learned back during 2020. I probably do. Maybe. Hopefully. If I can just make a bunch of random graphics, just for the hell of it, that'd be great. Putting anything out there is a postive overall.

I just want to keep adding stuff to this site. I also want to keep making things and putting them out for people to see. Photos? Silly artistic creations? Anything. I'm still going through with this programming thing, but I need something to be creative with.

Idk, I'm just saying words at this point. My brain is kinda foggy lately too. Not sure what's up with that.

I said this before but like, multimedia is what i'd like to tackle at some point. Small lil videos, art pieces, creations surrounding a specific world even. It's a thought. I have some inspirations for this sudden idea too. I'll talk about that some other time.

Alas, I am tired of typing. I'll see you all some other time. Until then. No songs. Just vibes. Cya.

(4:10pm)

Wednesday, April 24 2024

So, I've got some ideas brewing and I wanted to share them with you

Sooo basically, I've been getting a large itch to work on art. Multimedia type shit most likely. I've still got my totally pirated extremely legal copy of photoshop and illustrator on my desktop so everything should be good on that front. Just gotta...come up with the ideas and things I want to make.

The goal is to have this art on my instagram, and maybe even use it for the new version of my website too (whenever that happens). I also want to return to my original plan for this website, which is make a portfolio section to showcase my past and future work all on here. So yea, ideas. Plans. Will they happen? Well, I'm putting it out there in writing so I sure hope it does. I've finally got a decent enough grip on life so I wanna get back into the creative bag as soon as possible. Also want to replace all the dithered background photos with newer more recent photos. Time for some proper change folks.

Not a song, but an entire album, enjoy.

(11:46am)

Thursday, April 18 2024

Picked out the classes for my summer semester. Still feels alittle weird going through this again after so long but it's been okay. Got a final "project" coming up for my python class that I'll be going out next weekend to work on with a friend I made there. Didn't think I'd be able to but it was rather organic. They're pretty chill and have a bunch of cats so I mean, I'd call that a success.

I doubt I mentioned it last time but I also got tickets to this years lollapalooza. So expect a more detailed telling of this upcoming chicago trip, unlike the last one. Should be far better planned and worked through.

I've also been talking to another person that I met on hinge. It's been about a month or longer now and I just think they're very cool and funny and a joy to talk to. They also kick my ass at tekken alot but hey, besides the point. Neither of us are really looking for a relationship right now so that's cool. Can just enjoy their presence and whatever happens happens.

That's uhh, that's it. Just a lil check-in. New music time. Cya. (also, I'm gonna stop updating the main page for these entries.)

(4:07pm)

Sunday, April 14 2024

Been looking around my site lately, and I'm seeing parts of it that I really do want to revamp. Not sure how I want to do that though. Probably gonna traverse some more websites to get some ideas. I've been considering utilizing some past website UIs from the late 2000s, early 2010s. I'll give it some thought.

Some other things though, I'm considering adding some more shrines, but that will definitely happen after i'm done with spring classes. I need to know I have nothing else to worry about before I commit to that. Also, gonna create a section solely for my thoughts and vents and ideas. I've found I just want this to be about my day to day and what's going on with me at the moment. Not just some blah blah fest on what I think about life. That'll be dedicated to another spot for sure. When I'll be able to get to that, I have no idea but it'll hopefully be soon.

So, what's been up with me? The last week has been a blur. Semester is finishing up and I'm slightly scrambling to make sure I'm doing well in all my classes (Which I think I am). Made a neat lil friend and It's making things a bit better. More bareable I'd say. I think I'm tired of trying to force things. Friendships and relationships. I don't know what's up with me but I've been spiraling and like. I barely even noticed.

I have to accept that people will just talk to me if they want to. That's a good thing too. That means they think of you. They aren't being bumbarded by your presence. It's natural.

It's hard though. One of the things I'll have to bring up in therapy which I am finally(!!) going through with. Signed up for this thing my school offers. Obviously nervous that it won't go well but hey. Gotta start the process somehow. Even if it blows at the beginning.

Anyway, new song peeps. Cya.

(2:15pm)

Sunday, April 7 2024

Not being able to say if life is going well or not doesn't feel like a super important thing to take note of. In fact, it's probably better not to think about that too much at all. Just kinda, let it happen. Feel the flow. Do what you can to keep it going well, and if something gets in the way of that, ride it out. Keep moving.

Seems simple enough. I do feel that unfortunately, I haven't felt real comfort in awhile.

I'm getting tired of the only thing I come here to talk about is how I just don't feel good. It's really shitty. I want unique things to talk about with you. Whoever you are. Not another entry in some random persons downfall. I want stories. I want experiences. I want something worth it all. Even something small.

I don't even talk about people I do talk to anymore. It just doesnt feel like anything. The conversations feel like nothing. Empty. Like junk food. Garbage to keep me satisfied I guess.

I keep saying it. Things will get better for me. They have to.

On another note: this website and neocites. The honeymoon phase is over i guess, and interacting with people through the feeds does nothing for me. I might turn it off eventually. If anything, guestbook messages mean more to me than anything else. So, if you'd like to say something to me, please make sure its through there.

That's uh. That's it. I'm considering eventually seperating these. Putting my thoughts and emotions somewhere else on the site, and leaving these entries for actual life events. We'll see. Here's a song. Bye.

(1:06am)

Saturday, March 30 2024

So, updates are getting a big infrequent, on the site, and in general. I know, it's strange. Plenty to talk about but once again, I feel I just can't write about it. I do feel like eventually making this site far more minimalist. Content will stay the same, but the look will be far less. However that ends up meaning.

I've been recovering from a fever. Probably got it from going to the arcade. My guess at least. Besides that, not much going for me.

I do wonder. I have ideas that I don't put into action. The list is growing too. Start making multimedia art pieces. Start drawing. Create something. Anything. But alas. I play tekken 8 instead.

Fuck.

I don't really understand my social situation right now. I might as well say I'm still alone for now. What's the point in writing about things that will always end up going nowhere. So instead, here's another song.

(4:17am)

Sunday, March 17 2024

If you notice multiple entries going up on here, assume things are not going well for me.

I just wanted to type and say that I can't wait to have my own place. Simply because I won't have to talk.

The thought of going a full day without saying a word just sounds great. Nothing to explain. Nothing to say. Just me and my mind. Nothing to verbalise to anyone. sounds perfect. I can't wait. I really can't wait.

That's it. There's something else I want to talk about but honestly, I'm waiting a bit to see what happens before I discuss it here.

Anyway, here's another song. Cya.

(2:48am)

Saturday, March 16 2024

I have friends. I also do not have friends.

Contradictory? Well, yea. I have friends. I don't think I've ever not had friends really. I'm always a few button clicks and swipes away from having someone to message. It's not like I don't have any numbers on my phone. I've always had some random person of the month/year there. Of course, the numbers have come and gone over the years and even now it's never consistent. There has always been a chat room, bouncing off a bit from last weeks entry.

Here's the thing.

A message is not guarenteed a response. Never has been. Never will. These people that I talked to, texted, called maybe even. I almost always never met them in real life. At best, they lived in my area and never tried, ultimately falling off and never attempting to talk to me again. And well, sometimes they just live in Germany or Canada.

But alas! That's nothing to fret about, because I have family! We all know that your family is your first friends! Right?

My cousins. One is somewhere in the northwestern part of America. Another is in New York I think. A few live a couple counties away from me but my family, on both sides, have been extremely distance with the past few family deaths. It's been interesting. Christmas parties stopped a good 7-8 years ago. Haven't had an actual thanksgiving since 2019.

Both my sisters are leaving for college this summer/fall.

My pet dog is knocking on deaths door practically.

Friends.

I have people on my phone that I hope remember I exist.

I don't think I do have friends.

(2:43pm)

Sunday, March 10 2024

So, I'm in this discord full of people that also like tekken and play tekken, yadda yadda. Cool people.

I've found that I've been in many groups. Many many groups. IRL groups, online groups, etc etc. Plenty. Kik groups and discords and one twitter group. Ahah. I wonder why I gravitate to them.

They've all fallen apart. As they obviously would. People change, schedules mix. Timezones. Spouses. Life. Millions of ways a group of people can split. This discord group will not be different. That being said, It's nice having people to talk to. As always. I like it.

Sigh, I wonder. It's only march. I'm sure I will make some genuine irl friends at some point. Might not happen at school.

New Song btw, hope you enjoy.

(6:54pm)

Friday, March 8 2024

There is a list of people whose face i cannot get out of my head. Not much i can do about it.

The past few days have felt bad. In multiply ways. I think I'm sick of myself maybe. I've been considering reinventing myself constantly. I don't want to look at a picture of myself a year from now and recognize who I see. I want to look and be different. I want to be someone else completely. Funny enough, I don't imagine myself the same way I am in real life. I don't seem to have a mustache in my mind. Or any facial hair really. I can be quite feminine in the way I act or move sometimes as well. There's a softness. I don't know why. Maybe my brain can't handle putting facial hair on me when daydreaming. Maybe.

What was i thinking with the dating app shit. Jesus man.

I do want to be someone else though. New name. New Look. New Location. The whole shabang. I have a very poor image of myself. I feel like that image has been tossed around where I live and I just don't feel comfortable here. I have to start over again. I have to.

I feel bad for myself.

anyway, new video. have fun.

(3:24am)

Sunday, March 3 2024

just ignore all that.

(1:48pm)

Saturday, March 2 2024

yep....I did a thing

"A thing". I went on a date. I know. Believe it or not, it was genuinely nice. A person I met on hinge (the only app I find any kind of success on it seems) offered to go to a boba shop and also go to the comic book store afterwards. I was, of course, extremely nervous and all I really wanted out of this was a fun time with a fun person and I feel I got exactly that.

Being able to just...interact with someone was nice you know. With school, I'm obviously surrounded by people, but I'm just trying to focus on my studies in regards to that. I've got a fellow classmate that I talk to in terms of homework and classwork help so that's good enough for me. I have not found much success in the barcade (Easier to say and One less syllable than Bar Arcade, probably should have figured that out sooner) Alas, there is a tekken 8 tournament tomorrow that should help with finding fellow friends too! So, we'll see. My social battery was taking a beating earlier today. I truly wanted to talk to them for awhile longer but I had to come back home eventually. I don't regret doing this though. I need community more than anything. They were so kind and yea. I liked them. Look forward to more news on that front over time.

Oh yea, spring break just started. Hurrah! Not sure what I'm doing, but I'm definitely going to catch up with going on runs/jogs and gym activites. It's been awhile.

Soooo yea, that's all. New song! Have a great day ya'll.

(5:15pm)

Saturday, February 24 2024

Interesting week all around, but I've felt less inclined to like, go through details with things. Which is funny since this is literally my journal. If i'm gonna go into detail about stuff, it'd be here. I'm just a bit tired. Explaining myself has becoming my least favorite activity. Why? I'll put that on the list of things to ask a therapist, if I ever find the time to get one.

So, I'd say there's been some decent social development. Made a "friend" in my python class. More like we traded numbers for homework help and stuff like that but hey, progress is progress. I feel like I overthink every conversation now. Which is new. Not a good thing either. On the flip end, I've been far more conversational with people at work. Which is a good thing as well I suppose. They're all pretty interesting people, in a good and not so good sense. But hey, it's the uniqueness that makes us all human so, can't really judge 'em.

Besides that though, not much else. I mean there's other things but I don't feel entirely comfortable speaking them into existence yet so, yea. Man. "Speaking them into existence." I sound lame.

That's all. There's actually things going on at the bar tonight so i'll be going. Hopefully I can be a bit more social tonight. and, here's a new song for you all. Been genuinely obsessed with the smile for the past month or two. Great shit.

(3:43pm)

Sunday, February 18 2024

It's been raining alot today, I don't mind it much though. Got to clean a bit, do some homework, laundry, etc etc. Got to chat with a friend over in canada. Caught up a bit, played some smash. It was nice. It's a once a week thing (if something doesn't get in the way). All in all though, I've been having an alright time. I also went to the arcade bar yesterday. Wasn't entirely fun. Just drank one thing and had a headache so I just left after a bit.

I don't have much to discuss. Just wanted to say something. Add something to the site. Hope you're all doing well. Ah, and here's a new song.

(3:57pm)

Tuesday, February 13 2024

Very suddenly, I decided to archive almost 7/8ths of my instagram feed. I also unfollowed a good 100 people, and muted the stories and post of multiple people as well. I touched on this on saturday, but this was a real purge. I one person I messaged through dms, I moved them over to discord. Why? I just, couldn't take it anymore I guess.

Call it jealousy. Every single smiling face I see on there pisses me off a bit. It's so shitty. I couldn't take another beach photo. Another friend outing. Another show. Another face. I just can't do it. In real life, fine. On my screen? The best looking photo you decided to use to show how happy and cool you are? No thank you.

It doesn't take someone with a psychology degree to notice how unhealthy what I'm saying sounds. It helps though. I can focus finally. The townhall topics. No more. Twitter has been gone for awhile and Instagram was going to follow at some point. Felt inevitable. I won't delete it, but I've removed so much, You might as well consider my feed...boring I guess? Plain? Good.

I don't want to make this long. I uh, hope your days been alright so far. Oh, I also want to end these with songs I've been enjoying lately. So yea. Cya.

(1:00pm)

Saturday, February 10 2024

Not sure when this happened, but I just suddenly forgot how to spell "February". Kept typing "Febuary". Not sure why but the way the last few weeks of my life have been, I can't be too surprised.

Clearly, I've been gone for a bit. Work, School, and my "social life" have all been adjusting themselves accordingly. Work is becoming a bit more numbing, and school is going well so far. I'm constantly avoiding those high school tendancies of slacking. It's strong. Thankfully my need to graduate is far stronger. It seems that at the moment, my work schedule is really getting in the way of me joining clubs and becoming apart of things. Who know having your weekday nights taken away could screw you over so much. (Me, I did). Oh well, they're helping me pay for school, so we'll see how much I care about that as time goes on. Once I secure some scholarships, I could hopefully switch my schedule or just...work a different job. Way too early to think about that though.

I gave up on the friend search by the way. After getting rid of twitter, I just gave up on social media entirely. If you have a face, I probably muted you on instagram. My feed is solely art and photography and some animals with a few memes here and there. I just can't do it anymore. I deleted those dumb dating apps. Not sure why I thought making "FRIENDS" on a "DATING" app wasn't a bit strange but hey, I don't have the words "Smart guy" plastered anywhere on my 'about me' so, there's that. Deleted the numbers of everyone that has stopped responding to me, etc etc., you get it.

I noticed I fell off from the book club I joined. Typical. Time moved far faster than I thought it would. A bit scary. I'll most likely put that page on ice for awhile. For the time being, I'll just be able to update the journal entries until the semester is over. I'm not going to promise anything else but that. I should be far more flexible during the summer to make some proper changes.

One thing though. I've considered making a page for storytelling. The kind of stories I daydream about all the time. it's only a thought for now but I've seriously considered documenting it all piece by piece and adding on to it every now and then. I've grown to really hate how I think of things only to have them lost to time. Forgetting and losing things is becoming far more coming with me and I don't know why. So yea.

I could talk about more but I'm tired. I'll try to discuss what's been up with me in more detail this sunday possibly. We'll see. Thanks for sticking around.

(1:41am)

Sunday, January 21 2024

I've attempted to write journal entries multiple times throughout the week, but I just never could. I found that I don't really like coding on my desktop very much. Reason being is my setup just isn't really comfortable for prolonged typing sessions. I'll have to figure out how to deal with that eventually but for now coding on my macbook is favorable.

Classes are going alright. Work has been fine. Home life is manageable. My social life though. Yea, that's something. I've jumped around the topic but I fell out of a relationship last year. Since then, it became really apparent that I haven't had a simple friend in a long time. When I say friend, I mean a real in-person friend to go out with. All my life I've had people on my phone to text. Group chats, random people I'd attempt to befriend on various social medias, etc. Since middle school. Kik was a major component of that. Also early twitter. Discord as well. Fast forward a decade of online-only interactions and well, Everyone I used to text has moved on. Either new lives or they don't use social media or I lost their number or they do not like me. One of those usually.

It's 2024 and the only people I talk to (semi-regularly) right now is one girl I met on reddit of all places two years priors. She lives in Canada. I have redownloaded some dating apps to, I'm not joking, "make friends." It's been damaging. Why? Well, for the majority of the time, people will match with me, and then never speak. Then there is the selection of people that do start a conversation, and then after 5 messages stop, and never talk to me again. Then there is the small majority that have a decent conversation with me, talk about interest, then stop randomly and never talk to me again. Then there is the even smaller selection that manage to trade numbers with me, then we talk for one night, and then stop talking to me the following day, leading to me deleting the number after a few days. and then, the 3 people that I managed to actually plan on hanging out with. Numbers and all. We're all interested in the same stuff just about. Things seem well. Then. Guess what?

Yep. They don't respond suddenly.

I'm numb to this. I was used to this in middle school. High School. First few years in College, etc etc. I don't think I'm unique in this. I'm sure this happens to plenty of other people. I could also just be saying that as a defense mechanism. Guess we'll never know, right?

Yea. I don't know. I love the internet. It's responsible for some of my fondest memories. It's concerning though. I don't have many memories as fond as those in real life.

I have no choice but to move forward and hope that being on a college campus again, I'll gain the courage to find a club and break this cycle. That's the whole point of this year for me anyway.

I won't give up. I'd like to. But I'll keep trying to find connections. I'm human. Why wouldn't I.

(12:50pm)

Saturday, January 13 2024

Walking a college campus for the first time in 2 years is a sobering experience. I can't tell anybodies age, and honestly, I think that's great. Feels like a sea of early 20-somethings (with a few professors getting back from lunch here and there). It's nice. My three classes all went as well as you'd hope they'd go for your first week. Promising professors and a decent selection of students that all have the same amount of shame and judgement so that they won't do anything out of the ordinary. Just how I like it.

Work. Huh. That's been something. It seems like I'm just going to end up being the team leader of this "group". Every job atmosphere feels like your average public high school experience. Just add a bit more laber. Everyone around me acts like a teenager. This is especially insane due to the fact that the age range at this place has got to be early 30s to late 60s. These are the people that deliver your packages folks. If your ever wondering why a package is missing or late, that info should clear up the confusion. They all hate each other.

What else? Hm, well the friend hunt may be working out? I met someone who seems to be pretty cool and we share a decent amount of the same interest. Hell, they're going to a comedy show AND concert that I planned on going to this year, so that's neat. Will we actually hang out? Maybe. Probably not. Who knows. Hope isn't something I count on much. So, fingers crossed on that.

I don't feel like talking about my family much anymore. Just saddens me a bit. That's all. A few days ago I had a dream. One of my jarringly fucked up dreams. This one decided to showcase my dog dying infront of me. Why? Probably because I know he's getting older and I will just have to deal with another death in my life sooner or later. That's the deal you take when you have a pet though. They just don't live as long as us. Shame. I wish we did better for him. My family would probably say different but idk. Taking him to the doctor frequently is the least you could do. He clearly has an ear infection and we're all too busy to just help him. Guilt. Maybe that's what it is. Fuck.

I've deleted the other twitter account. Finally. No more of that. I've considered maybe deleting my instagram. Reddit too? Who knows, maybe neocities will become what it sought to avoid. I'll have to delete this all too. Constantly erasing. Before I deleted that account, I went through the trending tab. It felt like moving your hands through a large cardboard box of thoughts on ripped pieces of paper, and I kept getting papercuts every time I picked one up. Nothing felt like it had much weight to it. Someone called a muscian a zionist. Another says that world war 3 is on the brink. One talks about a twitch streamer shaming a popstar for religous reasons. Another and another and another and another. You get it.

I don't know. Maybe now when the other shoe finally drops, I'll be caught offguard. Blissfully unaware when my windows blast open and the fire takes me.

(2:49pm)

Friday, January 5 2024

Music. I've talked about it a bit. I love it. It helps me. Yadda Yadda. I'd like to show you a song.

This is one of the many songs I listen to at night. Usually when I'm coding or just going around the internet. Or just daydreaming. Mainly that one.

I'm really going to try. You know, my best. I start back with classes next week. I'm sure I'll make friends but, I just don't trust that anymore. I feel like I gave up at some point. Which is....depressing. I have my family. I have people that will definitely respond to 2 or 3 messages from me before stopping.

That's it really. A person from canada that I met through reddit. Another one in...tennessee? And...one person from my high school that stopped responding to me since they got into a relationship. Fuck. Yea that's it.

It's such a specific kind of loneliness. The one that puts you in a bar full of people, and keeps you from opening your mouth. Walk in hoping for some moment out of a tv show. Someone walks up or you gain the courage to walk over to someone playing something alone. Shoot the shit, find common ground, voila. Friends for life. You did it. You won. No more voices. No more conversations with yourself. You're normal now. You can finally use the call button on your phone.

No more begging. No more "no worries". You finally did it.

What if. What if I stopped caring.

What if I just talked to myself forever?

(2:46pm)

Monday, January 1 2024

Best way to start the new year? Have your bootleg television provider service be 2 minutes behind the official countdown, confusing everyone in the room, and ultimately ruining the bringing in of the new year.

Something straight out of an Always Sunny episode. I swear. Can never catch a break. Besides that, it was a normal new years eve. My mom cooks. My dad eats and goes to sleep only to wake up 30 minutes before midnight because he is the only one that can open the champagne bottle. Comedy Gold. I helped cook with my sisters, then cleaned my room. Chilled in the living room towards the end.

Hey, wanna guess what happened as I was typing that last sentence? Pipe burst. Dad just caught water leaking out of the hallway bathroom onto the floors and entering my room. Seems to be happening in their bathroom as well. We just finished mopping up the mess, would have been a disaster if any of us went to bed at a reasonable time. Sweet. Besides that, let's really talk about today.

Started my day fairly okay. Woke up, said my mornings and hellos, and grabbed a muffin before going on my jogs. Completely forgot today was still considered a holiday, so the park was charging 3 dollars for entrance. Don't ask why I paid the 3 dollars. Anywho, the jog was nice. Families were out and about. Couples with their dogs and a dad helping his daughter ride a bike with training wheels. Straight out of a medical commercial, I swear. It was almost too nice. Came back home to my mom's new years day soup. Haitian tradition, Soup Joumou. Basically a squash soup, it was great, as always. A few family members were coming over to get some, as they do every year. I was mainly finishing up Cyberpunk 2077 Phantom Liberty. After some time, my sister entered the room. The older one. (Well, the middle child of the older 3 that aren't from my actual mom. I don't know if I've ever talked about that. I have like 6 sisters technically.) This journal entry is really something else. Anyway, she was really curious about the game. More curious than I was expecting, or even prepared for. But, hey, I'm not gonna shutdown conversation. Need it. So, I entertain her questions and showcase all the mechanics and lore of the game, which she randomly linked to chips in our heads and vaccine stuff. Which, well, came out of nowhere. Didn't even attempt to question it, just glossed by it and moved on. Yea. They left, I ate dinner, started coding and voila, water at my doorstep.

You know, I didn't even realize this year was a leap year till I saw a reel on instagram. Go figure. An extra day. For what? I don't know. Casual days like this I guess. Some days feel like a joke. Like someone, or some thing, are poking you. With a smirk on their face. Nudging something just to see how you react. Everything that's happened in the last 24 hours has been met with a glazed stare. Because, well, I don't think I have many wild emotions left in me. Blank Stares. I just want to move forward. Get the stuff I know will hit me hard out of the way. Time moves fast, but I want it to move faster. In turn, this will probably be the slowest year of my life. Funny.

366 days. 1 addition day. Just cause.

(11:54pm)