Journal

"life is a game, and i've failed my 93rd mission"

Monday, December 9 2024

Hello.

Originally this entry was a detailed retelling of how I've felt the past few days. To be completely honest, it was going to be a major sap fest. Just depressing as fuck.

Realizing that this is my journal, and I can really just put whatever I want here is one thing. Sad, happy, cringe, lame, etc. At the start of the year, I felt I was really making changes. Positive changes. I felt I was going to change. Hell I felt I was actively changing.

I wasn't. Two steps forward, four steps back. That's me. I have managed to systematically put myself in a steel box of my own making. It's impressive. It's truly impressive.

I'm talking to myself. There are people that read these. Thank you by the way. It's just hard when you have a million things hitting you in the head multiple times a day, every day. That's the best way I can describe it. Like starting a game on hard difficulty, and midway through realizing you should have just locked in normal difficulty, and now you're stuck on the same boss fight and you keep losing and you can't backtrack your save data cause you already saved over the previous one that would have allowed you to prepare waaaay more for this fight you were clearly in over you head on.

Or something like that.

I feel empty most days. Getting beaten down by whoever or whatever that day. Family. Boss. Myself.

I just assume that at some point, the chips will align, and I'll blink and be somewhere else. Better.

Every year, I assume that that year will be the year. And at the end of that year, I look back at the year and realize that that year, was in fact not the year. But, hey, maybe-

Maybe, I'm fucked.

(05:25pm)

Friday, December 6 2024

I thought that title was so funny a few days ago.

Spotify wrapped this year was pretty bad, just another thing to be disappointed by. I was going to talk about it more in detail, but like every entry, I start with one idea and pivot midway through because I was pulled away while writing and now I don't feel the same way I did at the start.

I've looked at the way I type on here and little more critically lately, and I've noticed that I always talk like I'm speaking aloud. Always adding 'uh' and "well' and 'hm'. Why? Not sure. After my facebook deep dive, I noticed that I've always done this. Since middle school at least.

It's not a bad thing, I don't think at least, but it's interesting.

Another thing, I'm probably going to redelete hinge. It has been, just being honest here, a waste of time. I matched with around 4-5 people within the first week, and since then its been over a month and a half? Two of the four or five are MIA and the other three I removed from just never hearing back from them or they just removed me for asking if they still wanted to talk after also going away for a week or two. I'm well aware that the algorithm when it comes to dating apps is pretty bad, but I've never felt like I was scrolling through a baren wasteland like this before. Once again, ti's the holidays so probably was a bad time regardless. Still, I just don't think my luck from years past is gonna happen a third time. It's either happening in person or not at all. Just is what it is.

This month has been fine. Normal. I think. I don't know if I actually know how I feel about any stretch of time. I think I just default to fine for generally everything. I'll say I'm doing fine or work is fine before I even realize what I just said.

That's all I had to say. Oh yea, I hit 100 followers a few days ago. That was cool. I kinda asked for questions for a Q/A I wanted to do but no one added anything so it felt a lil weird to ask again. So...Yea. I'll figure it out. Cya.

(04:06pm)

Sunday, December 1 2024

Funy enough, I feel that most of the music that I play on rotation comes from the various reels or general memes I find on the internet. I'm not complaining though, it just opens up more reasons as to why copyrights on youtube will always feel a bit dumb to me. Hell, enough tv shows and movies have done the same for me. No reason why I carefully and meaningfully made youtube video can't do the same. Speaking of that, a few years back I came across a song from a tv show I was watching. The show? Mr. Robot. The song? Everything Means Nothing To Me by Elliot Smith. Great song, obviously.

I never looked deeper into his discography until last friday night. Of course, due to an instagram reel playing a reversed version of the song over a pretty absurd shitpost (it was really well made). Not sure why but, since I was already doing paper work and I was getting mildly agrivated by the millions of ads I was getting hit by even attempting to watch youtube or twitch, I just tossed on a popular album from Elliot. It was his 1997 record 'Either/Or'. Fucking phenomenal. Every single song felt...good. Really good. Not sure what got me to but I opened up his about me page out of sheer curiosity, and what do you know. He's dead.

I had a small feeling he might have been after peaking at one or two comments on a youtube video of one of his performances but like, damn. Then I saw the date of his death.

The 21st of October, 2003

..and a mysterious death at that. Man. Open investigation and no idea whether it was suicide or an actual murder.

Not sure how you get through that as a close friend or family member to him, but its a pretty unfortunate end to someone with so much untapped potential. Sucks to see.

Unrelated, but these last few days have been interesting. In the sense that I was never wrong to feel like I needed to leave. I can feel bad about it, but the reality of it all is that I have to do what I need to to get out of this state. My family is crumbling. It's shit to watch over the course of a few years but I don't need to go down with the boat. That's just...dumb. And a waste of my years. I need to go. Now.

Here's hoping I figure something out. Cya.

(03:44pm)

Friday, November 29 2024

Today was a nice day. Overall. There was food, family, and well, that's all you really need. A bit of charlie brown holiday specials here and some peach champagne there. All in all, not bad.

I've had some cool things happen since the last entry. Having a nice lunch with a friend from high school, hanging out with cool people at the arcade, going to the beach (and actually enjoying myself), finally taking more photos (and videos) and enjoying myself? It's neat. Feels good. I just need this to continue, preferably forever (it will not do that).

Oh, I've started playing Alan Wake 2, a freaking horror game of all things. I know, wild. I will say that I've been really enjoying the game (I'm also maybe playing while watching theradbrad do a playthrough of it so I know when to prepare for jumpscares, but besides that I'm avoiding story spoilers very well). If I can honestly manage to beat the game by the end of the year, I'd be impressed at myself. Truly.

That's...it. I wish I would just make these entries the moment I do things so there's more detail but like, that's just not realistic for me and my brain. Is what it is.

Anyway, I'm tired. Back to my asmr thanksgiving gossip video. Cya.

(01:12am)

Friday, November 15 2024

You should not, under any circumstances, reactivate your old social media accounts.

I really should have listened to that advice before I did what I did today.

Yesterday evening, I thought about my data. I wished I had saved my data from my twitter account before I deleted it years ago but it is what it is. I did realize though, that I still had my first instagram up. So, I logged back in to start the process of getting my information downloaded for safekeeping. What I was not expecting was to see my dormant facebook account that I thought I had deleted years ago as well....Just there. Not deleted. But "Deactivated". I clicked it and it gave me the option to reactivate it. This....immediately felt like a bad idea. I'm not the biggest fan of my younger years. I feel I messed up too much. Tossed away too many friendships that could have really helped me now. So, my brain was smart enough to not reactivate it and leave it alone.

Today's brain....was not as smart.

As I was checking to see that the request for my data was complete and I can start downloading the rar file, I gave in, and reactivated my facebook account. Redid my password, and went in head first.

I was instantly greeted by none other than my elementary classmates all through my feed. Some notifications, and a backlog of old messages and conversations from as early as 13 years ago. Why the hell did I read them. Why the hell did I go through my feed. Why did I look. Why.

Whiplash. A glimpse at my younger self. The people I tried to befriend. What their current lifes are. Marriage. Graduations. Children. Travel. The whole nine yards. What did I expect.

For someone desperately trying to improve their future, I sure do love the past. Even though it was not good. At all. It was sad. It was uncomfortable. It was fucked.

I felt sick. I deleted it immediately. From the bottom of my heart, to hell with my teen years. I mean that. That includes everyone I've ever known.

Nothing has every made me this sick to my stomach.

I have to leave my hometown. I have to.

(02:50pm)

Wednesday, November 13 2024

Only a few hours ago, I had my yearly check-up with my doctor. It was fine, the usual questions and the usual answers were had. This time around I got to say that I've actually been working out more this past year, so that was nice. I did also say that my anxiety and stress levels are just about the same though, if not worse. Also I get no sleep so. Yea.

I've got a feeling I should actually do that "therapy" thing everyone is doing.

I had a team tournament at the barcade this past sunday and it was the most fun I've had at that place in awhile. It was also two people's birthday as well so it was just an overall fun time. Got to actually interact and talk to people (due to the team nature of it) which is super appreciated.

Besides that, not much el- ah fuck wait. I've unfortunately gotten back onto the dating apps. Well, one app, hinge. That's the only one I'm messing with for my own sanity. So far I've gotten a few matches, but I've hit the same wall that always happens, none of them are keeping any form of conversation going. I have no reason to be pushing any form of conversation myself if the other party isn't trying. This approach has kept things fairly chill so far. If anything actually happens, I'll let you guys know, but I'm not expecting ANYTHING from this. It's just there incase I can make some connections of any kind.

Oh yea, the title.

So, I've been considering a multi-media type of project. Using videos and photos and various music I love to convey some...messages. Or at least thoughts. Thoughts I struggle with expressing verbally. Examples? I'll try my best to show some as I start to work on this but first things first? I need to start recording. Go through my lost sd cards. My 3ds photos. Anything and everything will be used for it. Just to see if i can really do it.

Hell, I might try to make my own music again for this too. (yes, again, I'll talk about that later)

Until then though, I won't bring it up till I truly have something to show. I'll upload stray photos and gifs to the "creation" area as time goes on too.

So yea. That's me right now. I'll have more to say (and show) hopefully in the future. Cya.

(11:11am)

Wednesday, November 6 2024

I woke up to like two notifications on my phone confirming that trump had won the election. It wasn't the most shocking news, but I felt most people we're more than confident what just happened would not happen this time. Pretty jarring in general.

Most people, at least from what I'm seeing on instagram or bluesky (Yea, I made a bluesky account a few days back), are beyond devastated. Most doomposting or going for unwavering positivity in the face of it all, some pretty much letting everyone know they'll be off the internet for the next few months, and a few sharing information for people to prepare for the rough times ahead. I guess there's no wrong way to process this. Just whatever isn't harmful to you or the people around you.

Hm, but hey, you've heard enough about this i'm sure. What's been going on with me? Not much. I don't really know what's going on socially for me. It's all over the place, which isn't fun. Family life is declining. Pretty unfortunate.

I don't have many happy stories to tell. Gonna be honest. Haven't for a minute now. But hey, I got some comforting music to share.

Super helpful when doing homework or working on the website like I am right now. So yea, hope that's like a cool lil nugget you take from today I guess.

Besides that, i don't have much else to say. here's to whatever happens next. Cya.

(11:11am)

Monday, October 28 2024

Getting ready to return to work tonight and well, I'm not looking forward to it. I can only hope the people i work with did a decent job.

You know what's fun? I went to a halloween "party" (A thing that my barcade hosted that was pretty fun for a bit until i realized how crowded it was and immediately hit the deck). It was nice though. I think the bartenders and some people there are actually remembering me and starting small talk. Progress. We love to see it.

There was also a gender reveal for my older sister but uh yea, besides that my week off was...a week off in the literal sense. Nothing more nothing less.

I've also just learned my ex was here! Capital 'WAS',yes yes. Honestly, glad they got to return and see their family again. Haven't really seen their post in awhile since my algorithm is a bit weird but, yea.

A small part of me wishes I was aware of this and maybe could have caught up with them as friends but, idk. They were with their partner so it most likely would not have been appropriate. All things considered, just glad they're doing well. All I really want to say about that.

But yea, nothing else to say in that regard. The holidays are kicking in and I hope we get pass this election without too much insanity. Cya.

(05:10pm)

Tuesday, October 22 2024

Ignore that last entry, I went through the tinder subreddit and was immediately reminded how bad online dating is. Crisis averted!

SO, I'm 25 now. Crazy. Wild. Nuts. I don't feel different but the number has changed so, is what it is. Before I talk about my day yesterday, let's talk about some stuff that happened on sunday.

Sunday I went to another one of those tekken tournaments at the bar arcade I frequent. I managed to like...actually have a decent enough conversation with some people there. I know! Wild! Now I will say, I did have a whole beer before the conversations happened but still, great progress. I was a bit more jittery than usual due to having a match on stream aka in front of everyone but I did alright. Surprising enough. Got a few handshakes and people now know me as the "Jun kazama main" (That's my character in tekken 8, I should talk about that game more someday.)

I was suppose to be there with a friend too but uh, she just hasn't messaged me much as of lately. Kinda just didn't bring up my birthday either. Even though I've mentioned it to them several times when they ask me. So. Yea. Don't see that one lasting much longer.

BUT, who cares! I've managed to get a solid conversation with yet ANOTHER person from my high school! and this one might actually have a hangout happening this week (?). Will it happen? Probably not but hopefulness is all i got left.

Okay so, my literal birthday was yesterday. Not much happened until we went to dinner. And dinner was great! Genuinely so good. Had some wine, a small lil charcuterie board, and a pasta bowl that was amazing. Also, had cheesecake (with a lil candle on top)

But uh, yea. That was it actually. Not many birthday wishes besides from my family, and a few other family members (a few less than last year, my extended family has been weird lately. I don't know who likes who nowadays.) So, yea.

Cya.

(03:50pm)

Thursday, October 17 2024

So...I'm considering..redownloading hinge.

Now I know, bad idea. Terrible idea. Honestly everytime I'm considering it, I just think about every valid reason why I don't need a relationship right now and then i just move on. But, at this point. I'm considering it more for the interactions than actually finding someone. Like, the chances are slim. I'm fully expecting maybe a few dates and that's all. Going into this expecting the absolute bare minimum is the best thing i can do for myself. You know?

I've been trying to just harber some form of friendship through school or like, going to the bar. Alas, it's just not working out. Everyone my age is simply just busy as fuck. Which i totally get cause I'm also busy as fuck so like. Hey man lmao. Might as well go for what worked right? I really can't ignore the fact that I've literally only found success through the apps. Is what it is man.

Once again though...it's like the holidays. Feels like a weird time to try to date during such a busy ass time. Might wait till the beginning of next year. In the mean time...I should probably actually take photos of myself. It's becoming very obvious that I just don't take photos frequently and I don't want to use some random picture from 2020.

Enough about that though, my birthday is steadily approaching. Still not sure what I'm doing for that. We'll see though. I will most likely write again soon. Cya.

(03:41pm)

Sunday, October 13 2024

Surprise! I survived. I mean, the day the hurricane hit, all we got down south were some insanely nice winds, and cloudy weather but that was it. Funny enough, once it past us, we started actually getting rain. But all in all, I'm safe (I think another hurricane may be heading our way though sooo, fingers crossed hah...).

Besides that, my birthday is practically next weekend and I still don't totally know what's going on with that. I'll figure it out but uh, yea. Fun things. Very fun things for sure.

Oh! I ordered a book for some reason. It's an autobiography by the now deceased former President of Nintendo, Satoru Iwata. The goal is to, hopefully, finish the book and write about it. I don't know. I've only heard good things about it and deals with an industry I'm fairly aware of so, yea. Felt like a good book to get.

I uh, man I don't know. I kept forgetting to like...finish up these journals. It's becoming increasily difficult to write these. Which sucks. I feel like I have less and less to say verbally and on here nowadays. I'm just. Living through media more than actually living in general. I'm watching a random youtube movie (i know) as I'm typing this up. A romance movie. Of course.

That's a topic for like...after the holidays. anyway, hope you're all well. Cya.

(05:21pm)

Wednesday, October 09 2024

Sorry about that title.

Soo, there's a hurricane coming for florida fairly soon, probably like tonight. Hurricane milton, and it's been projected to be be a cat 5 when it reaches us. By the time i'm typing this, it's not really cloudy or anything but i'm also not really in the direct hit zone so I'll probably at worst get some heavy rain and strong winds, nothing too catastrophic like orlando or tampa.

Classes got cancelled for today and tomorrow but no word from my job on whether they're gonna be shutting down for the night. I really doubt any planes are leaving tonight since the hurricane literally hits us later, so we'll see. Might be a short day, who knows.

I didn't really have anything else to bring up, just thought i'd like let y'all know. Not much else besides the usual. I was also thinking about taking pictures during the hurricane. We'll see. I'll see you during or after the hurricane passes. Cya.

(05:13pm)

Wednesday, October 03 2024

Social media is interesting, especially lately. This isn't new information though. The main reason I still honestly use stuff like twitter on a burner account and instagram is because of certain pieces of media I follow. I follow things like the tekken community, nintendo, and some other communities and most of the news of these things only really gets shown on twitter (these companies have got to find a different spot to deliver announcements)

Besides that, it's just an AI and bot fest nowadays. You know what's fun though? Blocking. Oh man, blocking is FUN. It takes not even a second. Someone being a terrible human being? Block. Are they [insert any of the -phobics here]? Block. Unfunny? Block. Weird? Block. Show up on your feed far too much? Block. Beautiful button. I'm glad every site has it. The world revolves on blocking. Truly.

Hm, it's my birthday month. I'm not too sure what I'm gonna do. My next class starts on the 14th, so going out of town during my week off work is a no-go. Interesting enough, my mom brought up possibly going to new orleans. Will it actually happen, I'm really not sure. But if it does, i'll document it, of course. Besides that though, not much to speak on. Work has become more bothersome. Might start looking for something else. Or at the very least, a position away from these people. We'll see. Might be time to just drop FEDEX and look into things that will push my talents in stuff I'll actually be pursuing in the future. So yea.

Cya

(03:57pm)

Wednesday, September 25 2024

Well, it seems like we're about to hit october fairly soon. Cool. I honestly didn't realize that I've only done one entry for this month. It's just been kinda going aimlessly. Constantly moving forward. I was in tallahasee this past weekend visiting my sister at her new apartment. The whole family came for "family weekend", but we didn't really participate. Just hung out at her place and tried some food spots near her.

I could almost tell once we got there, the usual arguments and annoyances returned once my mom entered the room.

We were gone before we knew it though, and now a hurricane is practically racing towards them now so they'll be bumming a ride back down to us today I think. Funny.

I'm well aware I'll be 25 next month. Still don't know what I'm doing, but my mom is considering me and her go on a trip somewhere. Possibly new orleans. I mean sure. I was hoping to do something by myself but hey, that's all dependant on if I actually walk up to her and tell her that.

Also, work is getting...shitty.

It seems like they keep losing workers or something, cause I'm now being asked to do more and more things that just aren't what I was hired to do. I'm already the people that does the majority of shit for our team, so it's strange that they'd keep me from doing my job. But hey, keeps me there longer, so more hours, and less time at home. How can I complain, right?

That's a terrible way of looking at it.

I'm uh, still on that diet btw. So, yea. That's all I'll say about that.

I don't have much else to add. If you actually read all this, thanks I suppose. I'll leave you with some animated shorts that I haven't seen since I was like...5? maybe 7? Youtube randomly showed it to me so, yea. Hope you enjoy them. Cya.

(11:25am)

Monday, September 9 2024

Getting pretty close to the holidays now, that's always fun. This month seems to be moving pretty fast. I didn't even register that it was the 9th already.

It's been an interesting few days. Or week. Has it been good? No. But, it's been interesting. I don't really have a choice but to go to tallahassee next week friday for a family weekend thing that FSU. Had to put in a personal day-off request with my job, but if it gets denied, I'll just like, idk, Say I'm sick or something and call off. My co-workers do it all the time anyway.

Also, even though I'm currently on a diet right now, I'm not going to bring it up any more on these entries. It's something I should do, but it's just. I'm not happy with my family right now. It's hard being treated how I am and being able to do nothing but endure. Life isn't suppose to be like this right now. I shouldn't be in pain.

Besides that, I can't focus on much else besides school and working out. Work has been shit too. Almost forgot to mention.

Also, it's very hot. Extremely humid. I sweat every day now just by walking outside to get in the car or going in a store. This will get worse every year. Cool.

Um. That's all I think. Yea. I will say, I can never hold enough of a need or want to really update this site this year. I keep trying to get into the headspace to do more with this besides tossing a journal entry and walking away but uh, my life just isn't gonna let that happen, this year at least. Maybe next year I'll have a better headspace/worth ethic/brain to actually do it. For now, I'm not going to stress the new sections or the new shrines or anything else. So yea. I'm just, out of the loop of whatever is going on on here. I don't see the people I usually see in the neocities feed and most treat it like a social media feed anyway. Yea. That's that I suppose.

Cya.

(12:07pm)

Thursday, August 29 2024

Guess who finally got the energy to make an entry? Yup. This guy.

First things first, I think I'm finally getting my like, urge to create back again. I THINK. I only say that cause I've been in the mood to really redo my room lately and personalize it more. Along with changing my phone background and desktop background as well. Which of course, are tell-tale signs that change is desperately need. My birthday is steadily approaching and I'm going to be 25 years old. Clearly, we gotta make some moves immediately. At least that's how I'm truly starting to feel.

I don't know when it happened, but I think I'm finally contempt with my current social life. Yes, I don't have many friends but like. Oh well, you know. It'll change eventually. I'm over it I guess? Same with looking for a relationship. I won't lie, I was kinda bullshitting myself about moving on for a bit after my last relationship but I genuinely think I'm fine now. Just worried about being better for myself. Which feels like some BS after I just typed it, but like, I think I'm being serious now? It's very easy for me to say something and just forget about it almost hours later, but you can only live the same life over and over till you get sick of it to your very core. So yea, I'm starting small. Changing backgrounds. Moving things in my room. Getting new clothes. Adopting a real positive routine. Actually using my bulliten board. Hell, I might just create a pinterest to really organize everything I wanna do (That's not happening).

But uh, yea. Change. It's something else you know.

In other news, I've been getting back into photography too! I've become more intrigied by using older digital cameras. Kinda liking the look more that way. Anyway, I'll be checking in again soon. Hopefully with some nice site changes and inclusions. Cya.

(4:00pm)

Thursday, August 15 2024

I think I've had the neocities dashboard open multiple times over the past few days, but never found the want to type up anything or make any major changes. That being said, a change recently happened to one of the programs I use to edit the site. You probably know it, brackets. They released a new version of it? Or just a brand new thing in general, and it has a built in live preview feature now. Honestly, thank goodness. It's been a bit harder getting in the mood to actually add something unique to this site. You know, like new pages or just attempting to come up with a new style for the whole site.

Might not be able to really do that though. Fall semester starts next week so, we'll see.

My sister is leaving for FSU next week, so that's wild. She'll probably still pop around frequently, but yea, she's outta here. The youngest is gonna be starting college next week though, so that's fun too. Everyone has graduated high school, must be wacky for me parents to consider (Or just a good thing i guess).

I've been thinking about this week off I have for my birthday and I might go on a vacation alone. I don't know where though, but it's a thought. If it happens, cool. If not, oh well. I think it'd be nice though. Alone for a week.

Buuuut yea. Besides that, not much else going on for me still. Mom's birthday is this satuday so, gotta grab a gift soon. Maybe a record? She's been listening to more music lately. Idk, I'll see. Cya.

(4:09pm)

Sunday, August 4 2024

"I'll probably do an entry each day till i'm back home" Oh brother.

Thursday

My sisters and my mom had went for their first day at lolla, while I stayed back since I only got a ticket for friday and saturday. It was honestly pretty nice, just did some studying for my ethics class and watched the olympics. Went out for a bit to pick up some food for them and myself then just laid in bed till they got back. Not much actual exploring went down but hey, it's a vacation. You're allowed to actually rest and not go ot every waking moment.

Friday

First day out at lolla and jeez. I'm still unsure how the hell I managed to get through 4 straight days last year. Physical health maybe? Idk, my feet hurt a million times more this time. Might be my shoes. I didn't really stick around with my sisters since they were seeing completely different people that day and the festival was 10x more crowded so it was just go and do my on thing. I stayed at one stage for most of my stay since it had everyone I truly wanted to see. The main two for today was Galantis and Zedd. Zedd was one of the first artist I found way back in middle school when it came to edm. Was nice to finally see him live, was a beautiful show overall. Oh shit, also, I met some people from that discord I mentioned last entry. Yea, it was only for a few moments but they seemed really nice. I will say, not much really happened but it was just cool to have some people to chat with for a moment.

Saturday

Before I headed out for lolla today, I had to take my ethics final, which I was a bit concerned about but I managed to pass it with a B. Once again, should really plan these things out better but eh, it is what it is. The walks with the heat beating down on you are already alot but oh well. Anyway, I finally get there and secure myself a spot to just cool down (which took forever since I'm an extreme sweater. yay.) After chilling for the set I was watching, I moved back to get to the actual in-person meetup of the group, and wow. It was actually pretty damn large.

Besides that, I managed to chat with and meet a few people, I even got a fan and lil glowup ring. Ended up heading back to the stage through once I realized everyone was pretty deep in convo with people they actual knew so, yea. All the people I saw: Dylan Brady, Kenny Beats, Nia Archive, Four Tet, and Skrillex all played pretty damn good sets. Was absolutely happy with the choice of sticking it through there.

Sunday

And today. Fine day. Was extremely tired, but we went out anyway and walked all the way to the art institute of chicago and look around. I sweat my ass off to there and back so that was swell. I got some nice pictures using my sisters digital camera since I left mine thinking they didn't allow the detachable lens in. I'll most likely upload those tomorrow when I get back home. Speaking of home, there seems to be a hurricane going over there so that's a bit concerning, but I'm sure it'll be fine. So yea. That's been that. Back to the usual starting tuesday I guess (I think I actually have a test tomorrow haha, man). Cya.

(10:35pm)

Wednesday, July 31 2024

This is now my third time in chicago. First time was after I graduated high school in '18. Second time was last year. We flew out of florida at like 7am and the flight wasn't bad. Had this sharp pain in my side that I couldn't figure out the source of but, it's just about gone away at the time of typing this.

I'm only going to lolla friday and saturday this time around. I joined a discord group for lolla that's full of people that go to a bunch of festivals nationally. It's a pretty packed server, and everyone seems pretty cool. Since I'm going on saturday alone I'm heavily considering just sticking with a group for the performance's I'm seeing. Might be a great decision. Maybe not. We'll see.

Uh, today has been fine. Vacationing with family is just different. It's like, what makes you think all the troubles from home are just going to magically disappear in a smaller shared space in an expensive, less impressive hotel in a clastrophobic city. I don't know. There's just nothing I can do about any of this. Just endure. Everytime I say a sentence, I wish I didn't.

Ah, fucking shut up vince. Jesus.

I've got a final I got to take online before friday. Wish I never took classes this summer.

I'll probably do an entry each day till i'm back home, and just disappear till september or something. Cya.

(11:57am)

Thursday, July 25 2024

It felt like it had been a bit longer since the last time I made an entry on here. Time has just been moving a bit weird for me I guess. Since I only really update this site past 1am, I don't think it's been getting much traffic? I don't think that's how it works but, I don't really interact much with the people I follow anymore. Too much going on I guess. Whoops. Maybe that'll be fixed before the year end.

Funeral last saturday. It was certainly a funeral. Not much else to say there. I think I already covered the whole dead turtles thing before as well. Ahh what else. School hasn't been going well, but I didn't have to tell you that. Work has been mentally taxing. Home has been mentally taxing. Health is getting a bit concerning. Hmm. Got the trip to chicago next week. I don't actually know how that will go. Hopefully well? We'll see.

Those are all the major things I think. Yep. Me? Ah. Well, let's see here.

There's this constant that we all go through highs and lows in life, you know? Good moments, bad moments, sometimes more good than bad, or more bad than good. That's the flow. It happens and you take it as it is.

Well, I believe that at the start of this year, I was really trying. Like genuinely, trying to do better. Focus, workout, live, get out more, experience shit. Really do it. As time went on, it was difficult, but I felt it was still pretty possible no matter what.

The last month has been something I can't really describe. I feel like I'm repeatedly getting hit in the back of the head by a baseball bat. Each day. Multiple times. Without warning. I'm able to get up for a few minutes only to have the back of my knee smashed in by another bat. After a few more hits, I just stay on the ground till the next day comes. At night, I'm able to recover from the hits. Make the most of the time before I have to wake up again. To another hit. From another bat.

Best way I can explain it I guess. I'll try to get through it. Maybe something will snap and things will get better. That's uh. That's the hope right now. Maybe it won't. I don't really know anymore.

This is. This is so sad. I'm sorry I did this to my own site. Turned it into some custom-built cry for help or something. I wanted this to be a fun showcase of things I love and would like to share to the internet. I guess this is all I have though.

A song. Bye.

(2:55am)

Saturday, July 13 2024

My biggest enemy is me. Pretty sure of that. Like I knew it but like. Yea, I am actively ruining my life right now.

In a financial sense, a psychological sense, a health sense, educational etc etc. I'm just fucking myself over in anyway I possibly can. Eating out more than ever. Spending money more than ever. Gaining more weight. Getting angrier. Getting dumber. You name it. I thought I was at rock bottom last year. Holy shit.

I'm at my mental limit. Why in the ever living fuck have I not signed up for therapy what the fuck am I doing. There's a fucking break on the train heading straight for a wall and I'm just staring at it. Not pulling it. Staring at it.

I just. I don't know. Also, I'm aware everyone that follows me stopped checking neocities alltogether, so that's cool. Maybe the bots that randomly check sites are reading my lil entries documenting my insanity. If so, hello.

Anyways, I'm fucked. I don't have much compassion left. For anything or anyone. Cya.

(3:11am)

Sunday, July 07 2024

The last week has been something close to a blur. Maybe more extreme. Can't focus, I feel like I need two months at least to pass by without my knowledge. There's plenty I'd like to skip.

Upcoming funeral. Cool. Hoping it flies by. Afterwords, our trip to chicago at the end of the month. The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I'll actually put myself in the crowds this time around. I'm not too sure. Might find a decent hill and watch everyone I care about from afar. Maybe.

I think I'm becoming just a bit angrier. Not sure at what. My inability to have a friendship? I don't know. Fourth of July was nothing. Both my younger sisters went out with their friends. Neat.

This shit is like, horrible. Just, in general. The last few months have been hell. I need a break. I will not get that break. I have to accept that things will get harder very soon.

This is my life now.

(3:07am)

Wednesday, July 03 2024

Okay, so I'm going to be pretty blunt. Last few days have been bad.

Accidentally killed the pet turtles we had on friday. Just buried them today. Just learned my aunt died last night from my mom. So, alright.

It's wild. How this all just, happens. I'm not looking forward to another funeral. I'm really not. It's gonna happen though so, is what it is. Just gonna emotionlessly fly through the day, and back to business as usual. I don't know.

I don't really have anyone else to discuss this with. I'm not bringing this up at work lol. So, here I am. Tossing this info on my website. Guess this was kinda the purpose if I remember correctly. Oh well.

Hope you're all doing well. I'll be fine. Just another thing you know.

(3:58pm)

Sunday, June 30 2024

Aaaaand that's one half of the year done. Small reflection, a decent amount of stuff happened that amounted to nothing. It's like it looked like something cool would come from them, but it just fell completely flat in the end.

I had some training I had to do for my job this past friday and I had to shave completely for it. The mustache is still there (I'm saying that like you know exactly how I've looked the past few years lmao) but yea, the beard is gone. Might just keep it that way for awhile. Just rock the beardless look for a bit. You know how I've been wanting change so badly? Well this is something so I'll keep it and see how it goes. I don't really feel like getting a haircut either. I have to find a new barber which really fucking sucks, and my mom just really wants me to have my hair cut all the time, which is a bit annoying now. I know, I'm an adult and it's my head and I should just tell her I want to let it grow out and see how it feels. Shut up.

Besides that, every two weeks I have this sudden urge to want to redownload a dating app. Only to immediately realize that's a bad fucking idea and I've got too much shit going on. It's more just me wanting to be held. Laaaaaame. Wish there was a **LEGAL** service were I can just pay someone to cuddle with me for a bit and then just be on there way. I am not putting that in a fucking bio.

Sigh, oh well. Besides that, I want to be creative but I have no energy for anything other that work and school. Shame.

If i hadn't started this last year, I don't think this site would have ever been created. No way I'd have the energy I did last year.

That and I've been depressed for about 4 years now so-

(2:55am)

Sunday, June 23 2024

I was going to go out tonight, to the barcade. You might already know which one at this point. I felt like I needed it but, as the time for it came closer, I just opted out. Stayed home instead and played tekken for awhile. Very draining couple of hours.

I'm a bit suprised at how I've managed to keep these entries up. As much as I dislike talking, I sure seem to have alot to say. Even with how frequently I mess up words, verbally or written down.

I'm noticing most of the people I followed months ago aren't very active on neocities anymore. I should remember that this does not matter. All that matters is how I continue to build onto my own website. I added a new guestbook. I hope people sign it. It helps alot.

Random thoughts. As always.

I really hope I find someone to hang out with frequently by the end of the year. I feel like that's doable. Yea. I think it can happen.

Here's a song. Bye.

(2:01am)

Wednesday, June 19 2024

Tried to get the guestbook working but I've been lazy and I also think I may not know html that well. Go figures.

I wrote a few sentences out for this entry already but I stopped typing for a bit and everything I said felt foreign to me minutes later. This happens alot. No big deal.

I'm going to really try and get this guestbook figured out. Those messages are probably the sole thing that helps me keep working on this site.

Not much else to speak on. So yea. Cya.

(2:28am)

Sunday, June 2 2024

I can't see too much of a reason for me to hold onto certain things here. I've been witnessing some of the worst stuff online lately. Like I forgot why I even made this website in the first place. It's nothing new for me to completely back track on the genuine progress I've made but this is a problem.

I've noticed the small bit of neocities drama I cought in my feed and it made me feel bad. Just in general. You can't make people behave how you want them. That's just a fact. People will behave and do as they want, based off of however they were raised or ultimately grew up to be. It's scary putting it that way off the sheer randomness of who you may come across. Now multiply that by billions.

Tada. The Internet.

I really do want to do something with my space. Something that makes me feel proud. I just struggle with the fact that it means I'll be opening myself up to the best and worst the world has to offer. That's the risk with being here. Just because you "deleted your social media accounts" doesn't mean you don't enjoy the good you got from them every now and then. I won't deny that I love the silly and creative reels that I get on instagram, or that I don't love seeing the endless amount of fanart for my favorite things on twitter. I take the good, and ultimately deal with the bad. Because it's worth it I guess.

So, what does this all mean? Not much. I've got to figure out a proper way to reinvent myself. I've already started with returning to school. I've been getting back to the gym as well, surprise surprise. Every now and then I consider ditching the whole art thing and opening my old instagram back up and posting whatever I want there. Maybe. Possibly. Who knows. I'd have to unfollow alot of people if I did. I'll consider it.

That's all for now. I've been watching Mob Psycho 100 lately. I like Mob alot. No music for today. Cya.

(4:00pm)

Wednesday, May 29 2024

looked around the site for a bit, and realized that I should probably update all the background photos I use.

I know they probably give the whole site the feel it has right now, but I get tired of things pretty quickly. I'd like to go out sometime soon, maye to a national park, and get some proper photos. Anything new would be nice. I've been utilizing the same pictures for almost over a year. Time to move on.

Sooner or later I'll make some larger changes to the site but for now, that's all I'm immediately considering.

Besides that, not much else I want to talk about. I feel like there's plenty for me to actually talk about, but I couldn't let myself. As free as I'd like to be.

I will say, everyday I notice I mispell things more and more. I'm getting more forgetful of the things that matter.

I don't know. I think there's more wrong with me than I'd like to believe. A topic for another day I guess. No music this time around. Have a nice day.

(1:27pm)

Saturday, May 25 2024

When it comes down to it, my life has always been split between two different worlds. Two versions of my own self. Me, through the internet. Me, in person. Completely different entities. I feel at least.

As of lately, I don't really exist on the internet at all. I totally still post or share stuff on my instagram stories but, barely anyone knows what I look like right now. My main twitter account is long gone, as I've mentioned a few times. The only real consistent trace of me can be found here. Truthfully, barely anyone in my real life knows about this site. So, ya know.

I will say this. My real life, hasn't been much different. I've got my classes. I've been jogging more lately. Getting back into the gym with my mom. Work has been fine. That being said, my family is the only consistent when it comes to social interactions.

There is always a small part of me that wishes they kept being consistent with creating. Putting out content. Growing a following so I can do the things I daydream about. Only to realize that when it's all said and done, I'm not the person I daydream about. I'm not social. I'm not outgoing. I'm not making videos on youtube. I'm not becoming a streamer anyday now. I'll have my own place, in a state far away from where I am now. Tech Job probably, or something local if things go left. Probably have a cat or a dog. Take photos leisurely. Stay to myself. Let time move forward.

That's the life I just really would not mind. Who knows where it'll all end up. We'll see. Anyway, charlie brown moment. Cya.

(1:27pm)

Saturday, May 18 2024

I have a hard time existing. I know that's a concerning way to start a journal entry but it is true.

I made the mistake to put something I worked on up on my art account. The feeling of being left behind, is something I've been dealing with for years now. It feels extremely obviously now more than ever. 3 likes. My two sisters and this friend I made over the semester. That's all. I'm sorry, but the numbers matter to me. They do. People seemed almost excited to see where I'd go with my art at one point. I felt people believed in me a bit. Making graphics for others. A logo. Fucking cover art for a band.

I cut the cord at the most pivotal moments. Every time. My own website has stagnated. I just want to know people see me. I dislike my website more everyday, I have to change the look at some point. Fear of copying another site as they look exactly how I wanted my site to look. Why do I pretend I don't enjoy when people say nice things to me.

After like an hour or two, everything I typed above sounded pretty dumb.

It's been a rough week, mentally. That's all. Here's a song, been awhile. Cya.

(3:11pm)

Monday, May 13 2024

I've been making things! Wild, but very true. It's mainly been through illustrator, but I'm thinking about how I'll bring photography into it as well. I think I brought up combining the two. How exactly? I guess putting graphics and such on the photos. Post-edit? Maybe. For now though, I'm relearning alot of stuff on illustrator. Forgot how cool it was to make new things using different tools and technics.

Alas, i don't think I have gotten to the point where I want to share anything yet. If i'm going to post again, it has to be consistent, I want to at least have enough stuff that I can post for awhile. Maybe a few weeks, a month in advance? We'll see.

I've also tossed around the idea of like...making "music". Not professionally. Just making sound bits and jingles for the site only. Only an idea, for now.

For now, that's all. Cya later.

(1:27am)

Friday, May 10 2024

I've had this site for a full year...

Not much to say. Honestly.

Thank you for wanting to know me. That's all really.

(3:51am)

Sunday, May 5 2024

My eyes have been glued to the louder parts of the internet lately (twitter, sigh i know) and I really needed a break. I'm pretty tired while i'm typing this but I did want to make an entry. I'm done with my first semester back in college and I'm waiting on official grades to come out. I'm a bit nervous but I'm sure it'll be fine. Summer semester is looking far more relaxed so I'll be able to put some more focus into the site and some other things I want to work on.

Yesterday I was actually working on a new digital artpiece. It feels...okay? I don't fully know what I'm trying to do yet, but the base is there i think. We'll just have to see. I might compile a bunch of new stuff before I post any. I want to really play around a few ideas before committing to putting them out anywhere.

That's it for now though. Will probably start working on bringing an art section to the site soon, and upload older stuff from a few years ago. Till then. Happy sunday.

(7:57pm)

Tuesday, April 30 2024 (May? Tomorrow? How the hell...)

Okay...so I've been beyond lazy lately. Which is crazy since I have A final tomorrow and on thursday. I need to lock in but my body and my brain just refuses. I've been trying to study but I keep thinking about this site and creating stuff and just, making things in general. I WANT TO MAKE THINGS!! I'll finally have the time to do it too with the next few months coming. Haven't opened up photoshop or illustrator yet but I need to. Just to see if I remember anything I learned back during 2020. I probably do. Maybe. Hopefully. If I can just make a bunch of random graphics, just for the hell of it, that'd be great. Putting anything out there is a postive overall.

I just want to keep adding stuff to this site. I also want to keep making things and putting them out for people to see. Photos? Silly artistic creations? Anything. I'm still going through with this programming thing, but I need something to be creative with.

Idk, I'm just saying words at this point. My brain is kinda foggy lately too. Not sure what's up with that.

I said this before but like, multimedia is what i'd like to tackle at some point. Small lil videos, art pieces, creations surrounding a specific world even. It's a thought. I have some inspirations for this sudden idea too. I'll talk about that some other time.

Alas, I am tired of typing. I'll see you all some other time. Until then. No songs. Just vibes. Cya.

(4:10pm)

Wednesday, April 24 2024

So, I've got some ideas brewing and I wanted to share them with you

Sooo basically, I've been getting a large itch to work on art. Multimedia type shit most likely. I've still got my totally pirated extremely legal copy of photoshop and illustrator on my desktop so everything should be good on that front. Just gotta...come up with the ideas and things I want to make.

The goal is to have this art on my instagram, and maybe even use it for the new version of my website too (whenever that happens). I also want to return to my original plan for this website, which is make a portfolio section to showcase my past and future work all on here. So yea, ideas. Plans. Will they happen? Well, I'm putting it out there in writing so I sure hope it does. I've finally got a decent enough grip on life so I wanna get back into the creative bag as soon as possible. Also want to replace all the dithered background photos with newer more recent photos. Time for some proper change folks.

Not a song, but an entire album, enjoy.

(11:46am)

Thursday, April 18 2024

Picked out the classes for my summer semester. Still feels alittle weird going through this again after so long but it's been okay. Got a final "project" coming up for my python class that I'll be going out next weekend to work on with a friend I made there. Didn't think I'd be able to but it was rather organic. They're pretty chill and have a bunch of cats so I mean, I'd call that a success.

I doubt I mentioned it last time but I also got tickets to this years lollapalooza. So expect a more detailed telling of this upcoming chicago trip, unlike the last one. Should be far better planned and worked through.

I've also been talking to another person that I met on hinge. It's been about a month or longer now and I just think they're very cool and funny and a joy to talk to. They also kick my ass at tekken alot but hey, besides the point. Neither of us are really looking for a relationship right now so that's cool. Can just enjoy their presence and whatever happens happens.

That's uhh, that's it. Just a lil check-in. New music time. Cya. (also, I'm gonna stop updating the main page for these entries.)

(4:07pm)

Sunday, April 14 2024

Been looking around my site lately, and I'm seeing parts of it that I really do want to revamp. Not sure how I want to do that though. Probably gonna traverse some more websites to get some ideas. I've been considering utilizing some past website UIs from the late 2000s, early 2010s. I'll give it some thought.

Some other things though, I'm considering adding some more shrines, but that will definitely happen after i'm done with spring classes. I need to know I have nothing else to worry about before I commit to that. Also, gonna create a section solely for my thoughts and vents and ideas. I've found I just want this to be about my day to day and what's going on with me at the moment. Not just some blah blah fest on what I think about life. That'll be dedicated to another spot for sure. When I'll be able to get to that, I have no idea but it'll hopefully be soon.

So, what's been up with me? The last week has been a blur. Semester is finishing up and I'm slightly scrambling to make sure I'm doing well in all my classes (Which I think I am). Made a neat lil friend and It's making things a bit better. More bareable I'd say. I think I'm tired of trying to force things. Friendships and relationships. I don't know what's up with me but I've been spiraling and like. I barely even noticed.

I have to accept that people will just talk to me if they want to. That's a good thing too. That means they think of you. They aren't being bumbarded by your presence. It's natural.

It's hard though. One of the things I'll have to bring up in therapy which I am finally(!!) going through with. Signed up for this thing my school offers. Obviously nervous that it won't go well but hey. Gotta start the process somehow. Even if it blows at the beginning.

Anyway, new song peeps. Cya.

(2:15pm)

Sunday, April 7 2024

Not being able to say if life is going well or not doesn't feel like a super important thing to take note of. In fact, it's probably better not to think about that too much at all. Just kinda, let it happen. Feel the flow. Do what you can to keep it going well, and if something gets in the way of that, ride it out. Keep moving.

Seems simple enough. I do feel that unfortunately, I haven't felt real comfort in awhile.

I'm getting tired of the only thing I come here to talk about is how I just don't feel good. It's really shitty. I want unique things to talk about with you. Whoever you are. Not another entry in some random persons downfall. I want stories. I want experiences. I want something worth it all. Even something small.

I don't even talk about people I do talk to anymore. It just doesnt feel like anything. The conversations feel like nothing. Empty. Like junk food. Garbage to keep me satisfied I guess.

I keep saying it. Things will get better for me. They have to.

On another note: this website and neocites. The honeymoon phase is over i guess, and interacting with people through the feeds does nothing for me. I might turn it off eventually. If anything, guestbook messages mean more to me than anything else. So, if you'd like to say something to me, please make sure its through there.

That's uh. That's it. I'm considering eventually seperating these. Putting my thoughts and emotions somewhere else on the site, and leaving these entries for actual life events. We'll see. Here's a song. Bye.

(1:06am)

Saturday, March 30 2024

So, updates are getting a big infrequent, on the site, and in general. I know, it's strange. Plenty to talk about but once again, I feel I just can't write about it. I do feel like eventually making this site far more minimalist. Content will stay the same, but the look will be far less. However that ends up meaning.

I've been recovering from a fever. Probably got it from going to the arcade. My guess at least. Besides that, not much going for me.

I do wonder. I have ideas that I don't put into action. The list is growing too. Start making multimedia art pieces. Start drawing. Create something. Anything. But alas. I play tekken 8 instead.

Fuck.

I don't really understand my social situation right now. I might as well say I'm still alone for now. What's the point in writing about things that will always end up going nowhere. So instead, here's another song.

(4:17am)

Sunday, March 17 2024

If you notice multiple entries going up on here, assume things are not going well for me.

I just wanted to type and say that I can't wait to have my own place. Simply because I won't have to talk.

The thought of going a full day without saying a word just sounds great. Nothing to explain. Nothing to say. Just me and my mind. Nothing to verbalise to anyone. sounds perfect. I can't wait. I really can't wait.

That's it. There's something else I want to talk about but honestly, I'm waiting a bit to see what happens before I discuss it here.

Anyway, here's another song. Cya.

(2:48am)

Saturday, March 16 2024

I have friends. I also do not have friends.

Contradictory? Well, yea. I have friends. I don't think I've ever not had friends really. I'm always a few button clicks and swipes away from having someone to message. It's not like I don't have any numbers on my phone. I've always had some random person of the month/year there. Of course, the numbers have come and gone over the years and even now it's never consistent. There has always been a chat room, bouncing off a bit from last weeks entry.

Here's the thing.

A message is not guarenteed a response. Never has been. Never will. These people that I talked to, texted, called maybe even. I almost always never met them in real life. At best, they lived in my area and never tried, ultimately falling off and never attempting to talk to me again. And well, sometimes they just live in Germany or Canada.

But alas! That's nothing to fret about, because I have family! We all know that your family is your first friends! Right?

My cousins. One is somewhere in the northwestern part of America. Another is in New York I think. A few live a couple counties away from me but my family, on both sides, have been extremely distance with the past few family deaths. It's been interesting. Christmas parties stopped a good 7-8 years ago. Haven't had an actual thanksgiving since 2019.

Both my sisters are leaving for college this summer/fall.

My pet dog is knocking on deaths door practically.

Friends.

I have people on my phone that I hope remember I exist.

I don't think I do have friends.

(2:43pm)

Sunday, March 10 2024

So, I'm in this discord full of people that also like tekken and play tekken, yadda yadda. Cool people.

I've found that I've been in many groups. Many many groups. IRL groups, online groups, etc etc. Plenty. Kik groups and discords and one twitter group. Ahah. I wonder why I gravitate to them.

They've all fallen apart. As they obviously would. People change, schedules mix. Timezones. Spouses. Life. Millions of ways a group of people can split. This discord group will not be different. That being said, It's nice having people to talk to. As always. I like it.

Sigh, I wonder. It's only march. I'm sure I will make some genuine irl friends at some point. Might not happen at school.

New Song btw, hope you enjoy.

(6:54pm)

Friday, March 8 2024

There is a list of people whose face i cannot get out of my head. Not much i can do about it.

The past few days have felt bad. In multiply ways. I think I'm sick of myself maybe. I've been considering reinventing myself constantly. I don't want to look at a picture of myself a year from now and recognize who I see. I want to look and be different. I want to be someone else completely. Funny enough, I don't imagine myself the same way I am in real life. I don't seem to have a mustache in my mind. Or any facial hair really. I can be quite feminine in the way I act or move sometimes as well. There's a softness. I don't know why. Maybe my brain can't handle putting facial hair on me when daydreaming. Maybe.

What was i thinking with the dating app shit. Jesus man.

I do want to be someone else though. New name. New Look. New Location. The whole shabang. I have a very poor image of myself. I feel like that image has been tossed around where I live and I just don't feel comfortable here. I have to start over again. I have to.

I feel bad for myself.

anyway, new video. have fun.

(3:24am)

Sunday, March 3 2024

just ignore all that.

(1:48pm)

Saturday, March 2 2024

yep....I did a thing

"A thing". I went on a date. I know. Believe it or not, it was genuinely nice. A person I met on hinge (the only app I find any kind of success on it seems) offered to go to a boba shop and also go to the comic book store afterwards. I was, of course, extremely nervous and all I really wanted out of this was a fun time with a fun person and I feel I got exactly that.

Being able to just...interact with someone was nice you know. With school, I'm obviously surrounded by people, but I'm just trying to focus on my studies in regards to that. I've got a fellow classmate that I talk to in terms of homework and classwork help so that's good enough for me. I have not found much success in the barcade (Easier to say and One less syllable than Bar Arcade, probably should have figured that out sooner) Alas, there is a tekken 8 tournament tomorrow that should help with finding fellow friends too! So, we'll see. My social battery was taking a beating earlier today. I truly wanted to talk to them for awhile longer but I had to come back home eventually. I don't regret doing this though. I need community more than anything. They were so kind and yea. I liked them. Look forward to more news on that front over time.

Oh yea, spring break just started. Hurrah! Not sure what I'm doing, but I'm definitely going to catch up with going on runs/jogs and gym activites. It's been awhile.

Soooo yea, that's all. New song! Have a great day ya'll.

(5:15pm)

Saturday, February 24 2024

Interesting week all around, but I've felt less inclined to like, go through details with things. Which is funny since this is literally my journal. If i'm gonna go into detail about stuff, it'd be here. I'm just a bit tired. Explaining myself has becoming my least favorite activity. Why? I'll put that on the list of things to ask a therapist, if I ever find the time to get one.

So, I'd say there's been some decent social development. Made a "friend" in my python class. More like we traded numbers for homework help and stuff like that but hey, progress is progress. I feel like I overthink every conversation now. Which is new. Not a good thing either. On the flip end, I've been far more conversational with people at work. Which is a good thing as well I suppose. They're all pretty interesting people, in a good and not so good sense. But hey, it's the uniqueness that makes us all human so, can't really judge 'em.

Besides that though, not much else. I mean there's other things but I don't feel entirely comfortable speaking them into existence yet so, yea. Man. "Speaking them into existence." I sound lame.

That's all. There's actually things going on at the bar tonight so i'll be going. Hopefully I can be a bit more social tonight. and, here's a new song for you all. Been genuinely obsessed with the smile for the past month or two. Great shit.

(3:43pm)

Sunday, February 18 2024

It's been raining alot today, I don't mind it much though. Got to clean a bit, do some homework, laundry, etc etc. Got to chat with a friend over in canada. Caught up a bit, played some smash. It was nice. It's a once a week thing (if something doesn't get in the way). All in all though, I've been having an alright time. I also went to the arcade bar yesterday. Wasn't entirely fun. Just drank one thing and had a headache so I just left after a bit.

I don't have much to discuss. Just wanted to say something. Add something to the site. Hope you're all doing well. Ah, and here's a new song.

(3:57pm)

Tuesday, February 13 2024

Very suddenly, I decided to archive almost 7/8ths of my instagram feed. I also unfollowed a good 100 people, and muted the stories and post of multiple people as well. I touched on this on saturday, but this was a real purge. I one person I messaged through dms, I moved them over to discord. Why? I just, couldn't take it anymore I guess.

Call it jealousy. Every single smiling face I see on there pisses me off a bit. It's so shitty. I couldn't take another beach photo. Another friend outing. Another show. Another face. I just can't do it. In real life, fine. On my screen? The best looking photo you decided to use to show how happy and cool you are? No thank you.

It doesn't take someone with a psychology degree to notice how unhealthy what I'm saying sounds. It helps though. I can focus finally. The townhall topics. No more. Twitter has been gone for awhile and Instagram was going to follow at some point. Felt inevitable. I won't delete it, but I've removed so much, You might as well consider my feed...boring I guess? Plain? Good.

I don't want to make this long. I uh, hope your days been alright so far. Oh, I also want to end these with songs I've been enjoying lately. So yea. Cya.

(1:00pm)

Saturday, February 10 2024

Not sure when this happened, but I just suddenly forgot how to spell "February". Kept typing "Febuary". Not sure why but the way the last few weeks of my life have been, I can't be too surprised.

Clearly, I've been gone for a bit. Work, School, and my "social life" have all been adjusting themselves accordingly. Work is becoming a bit more numbing, and school is going well so far. I'm constantly avoiding those high school tendancies of slacking. It's strong. Thankfully my need to graduate is far stronger. It seems that at the moment, my work schedule is really getting in the way of me joining clubs and becoming apart of things. Who know having your weekday nights taken away could screw you over so much. (Me, I did). Oh well, they're helping me pay for school, so we'll see how much I care about that as time goes on. Once I secure some scholarships, I could hopefully switch my schedule or just...work a different job. Way too early to think about that though.

I gave up on the friend search by the way. After getting rid of twitter, I just gave up on social media entirely. If you have a face, I probably muted you on instagram. My feed is solely art and photography and some animals with a few memes here and there. I just can't do it anymore. I deleted those dumb dating apps. Not sure why I thought making "FRIENDS" on a "DATING" app wasn't a bit strange but hey, I don't have the words "Smart guy" plastered anywhere on my 'about me' so, there's that. Deleted the numbers of everyone that has stopped responding to me, etc etc., you get it.

I noticed I fell off from the book club I joined. Typical. Time moved far faster than I thought it would. A bit scary. I'll most likely put that page on ice for awhile. For the time being, I'll just be able to update the journal entries until the semester is over. I'm not going to promise anything else but that. I should be far more flexible during the summer to make some proper changes.

One thing though. I've considered making a page for storytelling. The kind of stories I daydream about all the time. it's only a thought for now but I've seriously considered documenting it all piece by piece and adding on to it every now and then. I've grown to really hate how I think of things only to have them lost to time. Forgetting and losing things is becoming far more coming with me and I don't know why. So yea.

I could talk about more but I'm tired. I'll try to discuss what's been up with me in more detail this sunday possibly. We'll see. Thanks for sticking around.

(1:41am)

Sunday, January 21 2024

I've attempted to write journal entries multiple times throughout the week, but I just never could. I found that I don't really like coding on my desktop very much. Reason being is my setup just isn't really comfortable for prolonged typing sessions. I'll have to figure out how to deal with that eventually but for now coding on my macbook is favorable.

Classes are going alright. Work has been fine. Home life is manageable. My social life though. Yea, that's something. I've jumped around the topic but I fell out of a relationship last year. Since then, it became really apparent that I haven't had a simple friend in a long time. When I say friend, I mean a real in-person friend to go out with. All my life I've had people on my phone to text. Group chats, random people I'd attempt to befriend on various social medias, etc. Since middle school. Kik was a major component of that. Also early twitter. Discord as well. Fast forward a decade of online-only interactions and well, Everyone I used to text has moved on. Either new lives or they don't use social media or I lost their number or they do not like me. One of those usually.

It's 2024 and the only people I talk to (semi-regularly) right now is one girl I met on reddit of all places two years priors. She lives in Canada. I have redownloaded some dating apps to, I'm not joking, "make friends." It's been damaging. Why? Well, for the majority of the time, people will match with me, and then never speak. Then there is the selection of people that do start a conversation, and then after 5 messages stop, and never talk to me again. Then there is the small majority that have a decent conversation with me, talk about interest, then stop randomly and never talk to me again. Then there is the even smaller selection that manage to trade numbers with me, then we talk for one night, and then stop talking to me the following day, leading to me deleting the number after a few days. and then, the 3 people that I managed to actually plan on hanging out with. Numbers and all. We're all interested in the same stuff just about. Things seem well. Then. Guess what?

Yep. They don't respond suddenly.

I'm numb to this. I was used to this in middle school. High School. First few years in College, etc etc. I don't think I'm unique in this. I'm sure this happens to plenty of other people. I could also just be saying that as a defense mechanism. Guess we'll never know, right?

Yea. I don't know. I love the internet. It's responsible for some of my fondest memories. It's concerning though. I don't have many memories as fond as those in real life.

I have no choice but to move forward and hope that being on a college campus again, I'll gain the courage to find a club and break this cycle. That's the whole point of this year for me anyway.

I won't give up. I'd like to. But I'll keep trying to find connections. I'm human. Why wouldn't I.

(12:50pm)

Saturday, January 13 2024

Walking a college campus for the first time in 2 years is a sobering experience. I can't tell anybodies age, and honestly, I think that's great. Feels like a sea of early 20-somethings (with a few professors getting back from lunch here and there). It's nice. My three classes all went as well as you'd hope they'd go for your first week. Promising professors and a decent selection of students that all have the same amount of shame and judgement so that they won't do anything out of the ordinary. Just how I like it.

Work. Huh. That's been something. It seems like I'm just going to end up being the team leader of this "group". Every job atmosphere feels like your average public high school experience. Just add a bit more laber. Everyone around me acts like a teenager. This is especially insane due to the fact that the age range at this place has got to be early 30s to late 60s. These are the people that deliver your packages folks. If your ever wondering why a package is missing or late, that info should clear up the confusion. They all hate each other.

What else? Hm, well the friend hunt may be working out? I met someone who seems to be pretty cool and we share a decent amount of the same interest. Hell, they're going to a comedy show AND concert that I planned on going to this year, so that's neat. Will we actually hang out? Maybe. Probably not. Who knows. Hope isn't something I count on much. So, fingers crossed on that.

I don't feel like talking about my family much anymore. Just saddens me a bit. That's all. A few days ago I had a dream. One of my jarringly fucked up dreams. This one decided to showcase my dog dying infront of me. Why? Probably because I know he's getting older and I will just have to deal with another death in my life sooner or later. That's the deal you take when you have a pet though. They just don't live as long as us. Shame. I wish we did better for him. My family would probably say different but idk. Taking him to the doctor frequently is the least you could do. He clearly has an ear infection and we're all too busy to just help him. Guilt. Maybe that's what it is. Fuck.

I've deleted the other twitter account. Finally. No more of that. I've considered maybe deleting my instagram. Reddit too? Who knows, maybe neocities will become what it sought to avoid. I'll have to delete this all too. Constantly erasing. Before I deleted that account, I went through the trending tab. It felt like moving your hands through a large cardboard box of thoughts on ripped pieces of paper, and I kept getting papercuts every time I picked one up. Nothing felt like it had much weight to it. Someone called a muscian a zionist. Another says that world war 3 is on the brink. One talks about a twitch streamer shaming a popstar for religous reasons. Another and another and another and another. You get it.

I don't know. Maybe now when the other shoe finally drops, I'll be caught offguard. Blissfully unaware when my windows blast open and the fire takes me.

(2:49pm)

Friday, January 5 2024

Music. I've talked about it a bit. I love it. It helps me. Yadda Yadda. I'd like to show you a song.

This is one of the many songs I listen to at night. Usually when I'm coding or just going around the internet. Or just daydreaming. Mainly that one.

I'm really going to try. You know, my best. I start back with classes next week. I'm sure I'll make friends but, I just don't trust that anymore. I feel like I gave up at some point. Which is....depressing. I have my family. I have people that will definitely respond to 2 or 3 messages from me before stopping.

That's it really. A person from canada that I met through reddit. Another one in...tennessee? And...one person from my high school that stopped responding to me since they got into a relationship. Fuck. Yea that's it.

It's such a specific kind of loneliness. The one that puts you in a bar full of people, and keeps you from opening your mouth. Walk in hoping for some moment out of a tv show. Someone walks up or you gain the courage to walk over to someone playing something alone. Shoot the shit, find common ground, voila. Friends for life. You did it. You won. No more voices. No more conversations with yourself. You're normal now. You can finally use the call button on your phone.

No more begging. No more "no worries". You finally did it.

What if. What if I stopped caring.

What if I just talked to myself forever?

(2:46pm)

Monday, January 1 2024

Best way to start the new year? Have your bootleg television provider service be 2 minutes behind the official countdown, confusing everyone in the room, and ultimately ruining the bringing in of the new year.

Something straight out of an Always Sunny episode. I swear. Can never catch a break. Besides that, it was a normal new years eve. My mom cooks. My dad eats and goes to sleep only to wake up 30 minutes before midnight because he is the only one that can open the champagne bottle. Comedy Gold. I helped cook with my sisters, then cleaned my room. Chilled in the living room towards the end.

Hey, wanna guess what happened as I was typing that last sentence? Pipe burst. Dad just caught water leaking out of the hallway bathroom onto the floors and entering my room. Seems to be happening in their bathroom as well. We just finished mopping up the mess, would have been a disaster if any of us went to bed at a reasonable time. Sweet. Besides that, let's really talk about today.

Started my day fairly okay. Woke up, said my mornings and hellos, and grabbed a muffin before going on my jogs. Completely forgot today was still considered a holiday, so the park was charging 3 dollars for entrance. Don't ask why I paid the 3 dollars. Anywho, the jog was nice. Families were out and about. Couples with their dogs and a dad helping his daughter ride a bike with training wheels. Straight out of a medical commercial, I swear. It was almost too nice. Came back home to my mom's new years day soup. Haitian tradition, Soup Joumou. Basically a squash soup, it was great, as always. A few family members were coming over to get some, as they do every year. I was mainly finishing up Cyberpunk 2077 Phantom Liberty. After some time, my sister entered the room. The older one. (Well, the middle child of the older 3 that aren't from my actual mom. I don't know if I've ever talked about that. I have like 6 sisters technically.) This journal entry is really something else. Anyway, she was really curious about the game. More curious than I was expecting, or even prepared for. But, hey, I'm not gonna shutdown conversation. Need it. So, I entertain her questions and showcase all the mechanics and lore of the game, which she randomly linked to chips in our heads and vaccine stuff. Which, well, came out of nowhere. Didn't even attempt to question it, just glossed by it and moved on. Yea. They left, I ate dinner, started coding and voila, water at my doorstep.

You know, I didn't even realize this year was a leap year till I saw a reel on instagram. Go figure. An extra day. For what? I don't know. Casual days like this I guess. Some days feel like a joke. Like someone, or some thing, are poking you. With a smirk on their face. Nudging something just to see how you react. Everything that's happened in the last 24 hours has been met with a glazed stare. Because, well, I don't think I have many wild emotions left in me. Blank Stares. I just want to move forward. Get the stuff I know will hit me hard out of the way. Time moves fast, but I want it to move faster. In turn, this will probably be the slowest year of my life. Funny.

366 days. 1 addition day. Just cause.

(11:54pm)