Is it like, a bit much to say that music keeps me sane.

Like, alright, let's think about this for a second: Let's say I went deaf. Like, out of nowhere. The pain I'd endure from now being able to hear music anyone would be too much to bare I think. Like. Jingles? Sound Effects? Soundtracks? Taps and Hums? Just, gone. Only preserved to memory of what I was able to catch while I could hear. Fuck man.

Fun fact, I always code with music. Hell, I always make journal entries with music. I'm listening to Thom Yorke right now dude. Knife Edge, phenomenal song.

If you've looked at my daydream shrine, you probably have a good enough idea of how important music is to me and how I function. When it comes to media, I think I could lose everything but music. Hell, Music is a driving force for many other mediums. Movies and Television, video games, audio novels, yadda yadda, you name it. Man, the freaking weather channel has iconic music! Like, come on man. I'm aware that there are people out there that don't necessarily seek out music that they personally enjoy. Which is insane to me, but humans are unique. Of course someone out there probably hates music. That's just how the world works. That being said, I love jumping from genre to genre in one fell swoop. It's so fun. You can have two jarring different songs genre wise, but if the vibes fit well enough, they can meld effortlessly. One of the reasons I'd like to return to making mixes. Yes...yes I used to create music mixes on soundcloud back in high school. Don't believe me? Fair. I'd post my account but I just went through it and fell into a decade long tunnel. Lots of memories. All cause i really enjoyed edm around the time I left middle school.

Music has been the catalyst to how I've made many friends. Wild.

Music is all I have at the moment. The only constant. Is what it is. I really don't mind anymore.

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

If you were to ask me what I'm studying to become. I'd say Programmer. Or maybe Video Game programmer to be more specific.

The chances of this actually becoming the case are...pretty slim. I've bounced around what I ultimately want to do or be for years. No matter what, I'm going to get my computer science degree. Once I get it though, I have no clue what the world will be like. Not sayin it'll have a major effect of me but like, If i can find a decent job out of state, that would be pretty sweet. Where? Ahh, maybe washington state? I only say that cause I like how the forestry looks. Yep. Those are my current needs for preferable moving conditions.

I've bounced around multiple career options. Photography. Videographer. Artist. hell, a youtuber or Streamer. Musician a few times (Are we seeing a trend yet lol). Any thing that allows some sort of creativity and imagination just seems to feel like a possibility. Alas, I have not gone all the way for any of these. Master of none type shit. It's the worst.

For now, I'm stuck with programming. I'm enjoying webmastering. Maybe that can end up being what I do? I don't know. There's 50 bad things in every career. Just have to decide what batch of bad things I don't mind dealing with. Ain't that something.

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

Well I've lied multiple times about going to a therapist so, I think we can all guess it might not be that well.

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

No idea nowadays.

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

This thing is huge man. Like, really fucking huge. The sheer amount of things on the internet probably couldn't be measured. Properly at least.

And we, the lucky few alive right now. Get access to it. I've gotten to see alooooooooooooot of different kinds of the internet. It's kinda cool actually. Many gaming hubs. A few weird forums. Social messaging apps. The early days of instagram, facebook, twitter, even tumblr. Never got to use myspace though. I could have, but i just never made an account.

My first social media account was facebook. In 4th (or 5th grade) of all times. Hilarious I know. I'm pretty sure it was that and youtube that were my first actual accounts. I forget when I made my aol account but it was probably around those times so I could even make those other accounts.

I remember...there being a photo of me being harassed by a girl. Pulling at the neck of my shirt. It was posted on facebook. I was tagged, and a bunch of people from our grade commented under it.

I wonder if it's still up somehow. I don't think I could find out if i tried. Maybe. It was bizarre, thinking back on it.

I've deleted alot of accounts. My facebook account has been gone for quite some time. My first twitter accounts are both gone as of last year. My personal instagram is still up, but all the photos have been archived and I don't open it anymore. God I've had so many accounts to so many things. I had a fanfiction account. An account to kidz bop (they had a social hub, it was interesting to say the least.) My kik account is still up surprisingly. My old skype account was taken away when they cut facebook support. Probably a bunch more accounts I can't even remember to sites that have been lost to time.

So much. I can't even fathom the amount of people I've met throught the internet. Kik. Twitter. Steam. Video game lobbies. Discord. Tumblr. Fucking hell. Reddit too? Man. Practically all of them are gone now. Moved on. Married. Kids. Jobs. Travelling. The usual. It's just. There were so many damn people. An edm group chat off of kik that spanned my middle school and high scool life. A dedicated concert twitter group chat for brockhampton back in late 2017. It's jarring.

Hell, I was apart of a trading server on team fortress 2 spanning people as young as me at 13-14 to the admins being husband and wife maybe in there 30s? 40s? I forget. Chill space though. It was so silly. and funny. and nice.

Today, my dad came in the room and checked in on me. Asked if I had any friends to go out and do stuff with. Straight up. I had to think for a second. I did make one friend from my coding class. Though, she has a pretty established friend group already from what I've seen on her instagram stories and I'm just some guy from a python class.

It did make me think though. I've met...so many people from the internet. It was just so easy before. I've never met 80% of them in person, I'll admit. I deleted my twitter accounts because i felt "ignored" by hundreds of people that followed me. I was spiraling. I made this site so I could feel something. Feel like people saw me. Appreciated what I had to say. I wanted people to feel like I was approachable. If I could move places this easily in real life I would.

This site is all I have if I'm being honest. As far as leaving something meaningful on the internet.

I love the internet. But I wish someone wanted to know me.

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

For the past week now, my breathing has been really intense. My heartbeat has been out of wack. I feel weird. Jumpy. Even right now as I'm typing this, I feel like I'm being hunted or something. On edge. Yet, nothing is happening. It's 1:15am as I type this sentence. what's going on with me?

For the longest time, I've struggled with communication. I have a stutter. Sometimes it's sporadic but usually it's pretty consistent. Keeps me from from saying vowels and the number 8, of all things. Because of this, I just don't talk too much. Not many people are really going to be understanding as I struggling to same simple words to them. A fast food worker isn't going to be very patient with me being unable to give them a coupon with one too many 8's in it. I fear any time of phone calls I'll have to make in which they will need me to read back or repeat something to them. I fear presentations. I fear engaging in random conversations that aren't necessary.

I don't feel like I say the right things in conversation anymore. I don't know what happened and when it happened, but I just seem to make people angry or confused more times than anything. I mishear shit. I try to not fuck up and I fuck up more. I don't get it.

I'm talking to someone right now. I feel like there's a loud, blaringly loud "Incorrect" Buzzer being rung inside my head everytime I send them a message or say anything to them. Like there's some in-game relationship meter that's constantly sinking every time I make a decision.

The feeling of forcing some sort of "caring" out of someone does some sort of mental fucking damage. I don't want to force someone to hug me. I'd like to be held. Or touched. Anything. Cared for platonically or romantically. I don't care. Something. It's fucking numbing. Not knowing. It's making me fucking angry. The lack of communication. It's infuriating and I want to fucking yell.

This feeling. This feeling is unbareable. I want to die. I want it to stop so badly. I want to be held and I don't want to feel weird about it. I don't want to feel weird and disgusting for wanting this.

Why can't I communicate this. Why can't I speak.

thought stated: ??/??/202? at ???

it's funny you know.

I've been on the internet since elementary school. I was on instagram around the time it got released. Still have all my photos archived on my first account. It's abandoned. First twitter account is gone. Very recently gave up on tumblr due to AI usage and ads every 3 posts (I counted). What else...facebook account was deleted around the end of my time in high school. Oh, and my reddit account is still active but that's teetering on getting deactivated too.

I've realized that you are barred from knowledge on certain things without these apps. For example, a celebrity death. If I hadn't still had the reddit app on my phone, I would not have not known a member from one direction passed away yesterday. If I didn't have instagram, I would not have come across a close friends post from someone I haven't seen in person in years mourning their death. It's....something. I don't watch the news frequently so I just don't know when I would have found out. No one in my family brought it up. No one at work brought it up. I have no friends on campus to tell me. And it's not like I really cared or listened to them at all. It's just. I truly would have been barred from this information just because I don't go on social media. The news cycle is ongoing all the time so would I have just turned the tv on to a funeral and just like...would have been confused when the fuck he died? I just don't know.

where...where am i going with this okay okay, so like, i guess what I'm trying to get at is, social media has replaced the news channel for me. Hell, even the apple news app is kinda difficult in comparison to just simple simply having twitter for your news and that's it.

interesting stuff. I'm sure imminent war will be alerted to me the old fashion way so i'm not worried about that but like...I don't know. Too many companies report important shit through fucking twitter. There's got to be an alternative that makes sense. Instead of some news reporting youtuber. Fuck off, everyone at youtube can die.

who knows anymore. The day i get rid of instagram will truly be the day i take this seriously. i will say, until i make some serious friendships, i'll be glued to it for my last doses of interactions and happy chemicals. gotta be realistic.

thought stated: 10/18/2024 at 3:51pm

fl0ridA_1

I've lived here my whole life. Visited many different parts of the state, lived in the central area for a few of my younger years. Southern florida is where I've spent most of my older time though.

As much as I say that I can't wait to leave here, I'm well aware of the good that this place harbors. I just don't do anything with that good. I doubt I ever will either.

The idea of leaving your hometown is one that I believe in deeply and yet, my brain does everything in its power to keep me stuck in one place. Unfortunate. I've been to orlando many times. Feels like there's not much too it anymore as I got older. Fort Myers, I used to live there. I wouldn't mind returning there if these hurricanes weren't so damaging. The northern cities I don't visit much, but I've been to a few. Key west, been there multiply times. Not bad, drives are quiet boring though.

I think the great perks of florida just aren't that interesting to me. I don't like beaches. The humidity makes me deeply uncomfortable. I don't know. Just real unfortunate stuff.

And the people. Well. Yea. I can't say I really care too much about trying to form friendships here much anymore. I feel like I've been made aware of every social group in my county and its just. I've messed up alot. I want to be around completely new people. For my own sake.

Weird. I had a choice to leave all this for something new more than a few times in my life.

And here I am. A quarter of a life. Still here.

thought stated: 10/30/2024 at 12:23pm