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If you were to ask me what I'm studying to become. I'd say Programmer. Or maybe Video Game programmer to be more specific.
The chances of this actually becoming the case are...pretty slim. I've bounced around what I ultimately want to do or be for years. No matter what, I'm going to get my computer science degree. Once I get it though, I have no clue what the world will be like. Not sayin it'll have a major effect of me but like, If i can find a decent job out of state, that would be pretty sweet. Where? Ahh, maybe washington state? I only say that cause I like how the forestry looks. Yep. Those are my current needs for preferable moving conditions.
I've bounced around multiple career options. Photography. Videographer. Artist. hell, a youtuber or Streamer. Musician a few times (Are we seeing a trend yet lol). Any thing that allows some sort of creativity and imagination just seems to feel like a possibility. Alas, I have not gone all the way for any of these. Master of none type shit. It's the worst.
For now, I'm stuck with programming. I'm enjoying webmastering. Maybe that can end up being what I do? I don't know. There's 50 bad things in every career. Just have to decide what batch of bad things I don't mind dealing with. Ain't that something.
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This thing is huge man. Like, really fucking huge. The sheer amount of things on the internet probably couldn't be measured. Properly at least.
And we, the lucky few alive right now. Get access to it. I've gotten to see alooooooooooooot of different kinds of the internet. It's kinda cool actually. Many gaming hubs. A few weird forums. Social messaging apps. The early days of instagram, facebook, twitter, even tumblr. Never got to use myspace though. I could have, but i just never made an account.
My first social media account was facebook. In 4th (or 5th grade) of all times. Hilarious I know. I'm pretty sure it was that and youtube that were my first actual accounts. I forget when I made my aol account but it was probably around those times so I could even make those other accounts.
I remember...there being a photo of me being harassed by a girl. Pulling at the neck of my shirt. It was posted on facebook. I was tagged, and a bunch of people from our grade commented under it.
I wonder if it's still up somehow. I don't think I could find out if i tried. Maybe. It was bizarre, thinking back on it.
I've deleted alot of accounts. My facebook account has been gone for quite some time. My first twitter accounts are both gone as of last year. My personal instagram is still up, but all the photos have been archived and I don't open it anymore. God I've had so many accounts to so many things. I had a fanfiction account. An account to kidz bop (they had a social hub, it was interesting to say the least.) My kik account is still up surprisingly. My old skype account was taken away when they cut facebook support. Probably a bunch more accounts I can't even remember to sites that have been lost to time.
So much. I can't even fathom the amount of people I've met throught the internet. Kik. Twitter. Steam. Video game lobbies. Discord. Tumblr. Fucking hell. Reddit too? Man. Practically all of them are gone now. Moved on. Married. Kids. Jobs. Travelling. The usual. It's just. There were so many damn people. An edm group chat off of kik that spanned my middle school and high scool life. A dedicated concert twitter group chat for brockhampton back in late 2017. It's jarring.
Hell, I was apart of a trading server on team fortress 2 spanning people as young as me at 13-14 to the admins being husband and wife maybe in there 30s? 40s? I forget. Chill space though. It was so silly. and funny. and nice.
Today, my dad came in the room and checked in on me. Asked if I had any friends to go out and do stuff with. Straight up. I had to think for a second. I did make one friend from my coding class. Though, she has a pretty established friend group already from what I've seen on her instagram stories and I'm just some guy from a python class.
It did make me think though. I've met...so many people from the internet. It was just so easy before. I've never met 80% of them in person, I'll admit. I deleted my twitter accounts because i felt "ignored" by hundreds of people that followed me. I was spiraling. I made this site so I could feel something. Feel like people saw me. Appreciated what I had to say. I wanted people to feel like I was approachable. If I could move places this easily in real life I would.
This site is all I have if I'm being honest. As far as leaving something meaningful on the internet.
I love the internet. But I wish someone wanted to know me.
For the past week now, my breathing has been really intense. My heartbeat has been out of wack. I feel weird. Jumpy. Even right now as I'm typing this, I feel like I'm being hunted or something. On edge. Yet, nothing is happening. It's 1:15am as I type this sentence. what's going on with me?
For the longest time, I've struggled with communication. I have a stutter. Sometimes it's sporadic but usually it's pretty consistent. Keeps me from from saying vowels and the number 8, of all things. Because of this, I just don't talk too much. Not many people are really going to be understanding as I struggling to same simple words to them. A fast food worker isn't going to be very patient with me being unable to give them a coupon with one too many 8's in it. I fear any time of phone calls I'll have to make in which they will need me to read back or repeat something to them. I fear presentations. I fear engaging in random conversations that aren't necessary.
I don't feel like I say the right things in conversation anymore. I don't know what happened and when it happened, but I just seem to make people angry or confused more times than anything. I mishear shit. I try to not fuck up and I fuck up more. I don't get it.
I'm talking to someone right now. I feel like there's a loud, blaringly loud "Incorrect" Buzzer being rung inside my head everytime I send them a message or say anything to them. Like there's some in-game relationship meter that's constantly sinking every time I make a decision.
The feeling of forcing some sort of "caring" out of someone does some sort of mental fucking damage. I don't want to force someone to hug me. I'd like to be held. Or touched. Anything. Cared for platonically or romantically. I don't care. Something. It's fucking numbing. Not knowing. It's making me fucking angry. The lack of communication. It's infuriating and I want to fucking yell.
This feeling. This feeling is unbareable. I want to die. I want it to stop so badly. I want to be held and I don't want to feel weird about it. I don't want to feel weird and disgusting for wanting this.
Why can't I communicate this. Why can't I speak.