Journal
2023 2024 2025April
"I'm Not Alone"
Yea, the 2019 edit. deal with it.
Eventful week. Truly. Finally got my first car ever. Yes, with fun little monthly payments too. Oh joy.
Look at it in all its zoomed in for privacy sake glory. I traveled up to my uncle's place to pick up late thursday into early friday. Now that it's here, I was able to clean it inside and outside properly. I've already bought some necessities for it, got a nice smelling tree to hang on my rearview mirror (classic). It feels good. I may never become a home owner but hey. I got a car. That's one achievement unlocked.
Besides that, things have gotten quite weird on the social front. As far as friendships AND romance posibilities go, things have been very...non solid. The people I guess I'm friends with are like...impossible to get a hold of. Makes me feel like I have to work 10x as hard to be with them. Which I don't have the patients or time for. I want to hang out with people that actually have time for me. As far as relationships go...It's like one day I think I have something going, and then I realise immediately that I'm not the biggest fan of this person after all. It's unfortunate. Also meeting with people is practically as hard as getting matched with them in the first place. Wild.
Thankfully, I'm really starting to care less and less about the possibilities of romantic anything. If I can't even get a solid friendship going, what am I even doing, you know?
Anyway, I was suppose to go on a date today, but they backed out due to nerves, which is fine. I went out anyway and checked out this pinball/pizza bar thats actually right across the street from the barcade that I frequent alot. It was a bit smaller than I expected but also very fun and cozy.
All in all, a pretty interesting few days. Can't complain. Hope you've all been well. Cya.
(11:59pm)
"Not The News"
I've got around 3-4 things I want to talk about.
One: Almost this whole week, I've been looking at cars with the help of my parents and my uncle. We've talked about it for quite some time now, but we had to start acting on it due to the tarrifs getting introduced this month. My uncle had found a car that I did like, but it was located near him. He returned home and went to the location this morning to test drive and look over it himself. It all seemed pretty good at the start. We finally got to the final price of everything and that's were everything took a nosedive. Warranty attached, the price was higher than we agreed upon. My uncle is on the phone with us while my parents are having a hell of a time trying to get their points across over each other. Obviously, dealerships can be, you know, bad. They can prey on people that don't know what they are getting themselves into. That much is clear to me. The amount of verbal abuse i've heard today alone, well. It's something else. From my mom and dad struggling to hear each other out constantly, to harrassment of people on the phone. The whole nine yards. Then insurance. Ha. That was something. We can't really get the car off the lot without insurance, and well. The prices are. Interesting. We still haven't figured everything out yet but, the whole process makes me realize how things are going. Internationally. I'm tired and I haven't even paid anything yet. If this is how a car is going, how will I ever get a place to live in? I can't stay in this position forever. I have no choice but to find something that pays more. Soon.
Two: The nintendo switch 2 was showcased on tuesday and that lead me to another realization. The state of the world is affecting EVERY part of our life. Even the gaming space. Mario Kart World being priced at $79.99. Man. The cost of the console isn't even the issue either. To be honest, I'm not 100% mad at the price of the games. If anything, we should be getting paid more so we CAN afford these items. What we are being paid across all boards should be able to match the amounts these companies are putting up. That's just my inexperienced idea of how the world should work though. Nothing really makes sense anymore.
Three: Uh. Just in general, things are shit. I haven't cracked many smiles the past few weeks. Even fewer this week.
I saw my ex has bought her first home. Random, I know. But I'm genuinely happy for her. I know things are probably going well for many people right now. The world probably seems perfectly fine to some. For me, I feel like there's a red, gloomy mass hovering above the earth. Threatening to slam into us at any moment. I just have to act like everything is fine at work. Like I'm happy here. Like everything around me can't crumble at a moment.
It's hard not to think about the what ifs. There's still a few things I can count on two hands to be excited about. I think. No more concerts for the foreseeable future. Won't be considering the Switch 2 till next year at the earliest. Just gonna focus on paying this car off and getting through school still. If my degree is worth anything by the end of this all, we will see.
Is what it is.
Would love to beat someone to death with a bat though. Slowly. Preferable any person that has contributed to the state of the world right now.
Alright enjoy the song. Cya.
(5:19pm)
March
"Some Other Place"
Had a date this past saturday. It was NOT with the girl that was complimenting me excessively. She ghosted me, pretty expected though. This date was with the girl that wanted things to be fairly casual for now. We went to the same barcade I've been going to and honestly, not the best decision. Of course on saturdays they usually have loud electronic music playing and while it didn't seem to bother her, it was very hard to find chances to really talk to her while we played anything together. We did talk a decent amount at the start though. Maybe it isn't as big of a deal. I did feel overwhelmed with how late it was getting and how loud and crowded the bar was becoming though. I don't know. We played a few games and she actually kicked my ass many times at the older mortal kombat games. I think her button mashing is just better than mine in that regard. I did do pretty well in Mario kart and Tekken. It was alright, I think. One awkward hug later and I'm heading back home and yea. Maybe a second date could be better but I also have to like, space these out so my mom doesn't get annoyed at me going out and doing something with my life.
So yea.
This week, I might be getting my own car, which is nice. Had to speed things up to deal with the tariffs that will be hitting us very soon.
Hopefully that all goes well.
You know, whenever I do these entries, I feel a bit bad. Maybe just becoming aware of how dumb some parts of my life are. Or how pathetic some of the people I have to be around are. It's rough.
I hate my own home.
Anyway, enjoy the song. Cya.
(1:57pm)
"I Hope You Find Your Way Home"
Yesterday, I attended the tyler, the creator show in miami. It's been a minute since I've gone to a non-festival related music performance. Last one might have been...Brockhampton? In like 2018. Insane. I had gotten a shirt from a thrift store they go to alot. The only other shirts I had that were slightly green were worn out, so I assumed getting one would fit with the color theme for the album.
Getting to miami was not fun, as per usual. The roads are terrible and the traffic is just extremely shitty. The parking situation wasn't bad though, there was a pretty large parking garage right across from the stadium. Getting in and everything was pretty simple, I'm just glad it wasn't hot. Standing in a line with direct sunlight is one of the worst things about any event.
The show was amazing, no joke. Well worth the price and, you know, having to drive to miami. Both of the supporting artist, Paris Texas and Lil Yachty, were way better than expect, energy-wise. One thing that was iffy was that the sound was a bit muffled, making it harder to hear what they were saying. I could make out most of what they said, but compared to tyler, the sound could have been better for sure.
I got a decent amount of videos, and a ton of pictures too. Overall, it was a good time.
Unrelated, but I brought up hinge last week. While I am getting some matches all of a sudden, none of them are really going anywhere. The one girl that was complimenting me has not messaged me back after like 4 days. Strange. I have one person that there might be something there for. It's just that I literally can not get a single date with anyone because of weird work schedules or some other random thing getting in the way. I don't know. Just getting boring. Still feel like deleting the app and being over with this. We'll see.
That's all though. Almost 4 months into the year. Wow.
(4:22pm)
"Soft Spot"
For some reason, within the last two to three days, I suddenly started getting matches on hinge. I've been aimlessly using the app for awhile now. Even considered finally just deleting it and being done with this whole dating app stuff. Yet, I guess real people decided to just prop up and appear.
I've gotten two people's numbers. Even at this point, I don't see this going very far just from past experiences. I'll assume the best for now though. One is moving kinda fast and is very serious about having a relationship. The other is pretty chill about it all and just wants to take things casual before considering a serious relationship. The way I presented those two makes it seem like the chill person is the way to go buuuuut. Here's the thing.
The serious person has complimented me alot and well, it may have hit me with a dopamine boost. Like hey, man. I haven't been told I'm attractive and sweet and kind in like. Awhile. Soo yea. Not to say I'm like desperate or anything but let's just say this is not a common thing i hear.
I don't bring up relationships alot. Hell, I try not to. But hey man. With everything going on in my life, I feel ready to be wanted. I also feel ready to want someone. So yea. Shocking news: Guy who feels lost enjoys being wanted
Like the emote? I'm gonna try to put more in these. They're fun. Add a bit more personality to the entries. Plus I have a whole folder of them on here that I just haven't touched. I'll summon a cat with a bloody nose next.
Pretty neat hehe. I may show my collection in the resources tab eventually. Anyway. That's all I had to talk about. I'll check in again if anything wacky happens with these potential relationships. I doubt it though. Cya
(12:23pm)
"La Noche"
It's freezing in this library right now. Which is rare.
This past weekend, I had my first social hang in a minute. It was with this friend from high school. We actually hung out for the first time late last year. I think I talked about it. She has a very tight and busy schedule so setting this up was pretty difficult, but we finally found a decent time to hang out. We went to the bar arcade I've gone to for my tekken tournaments. It was a saturday so it got busier as it got later and there was also a drum and bass show going on which I was worried about since I wasn't sure if she was even into that kinda music. Turns out, she was! Or she was at least nodding her head with me so that was a relief. The thing is, it was loud. Very loud. It lead to us not really having actual conversations rather than playing a bunch of games together. I also knew that she isn't very active over messages. So yea, I did want to genuinely talk with her.
I uh. I have a small crush on her. It's a bit annoying. She brought up coming back to the arcade with friends next time, and it honestly opened up the idea of finally being apart of a friend group. So this crush thing feels terrible since I want people I can finally call friends way more. I saying this like befriending a whole group of people is some walk in the park for me. It's a miracle I can talk to one person at a time.
I don't know. This is probably my last genuine chance at having someone to talk to in person. It's weird but like, I've managed nothing at my college. Work is just, no. I don't know man. I can't just talk to strangers at the bar. This is really it for me. Messing it up would be detrimental at this point.
I'll just see what happens. I don't want to wait 4 more months just to see if I can make genuine connections. It's completely out of my hands. She holds the power in that regard. Is what it is.
This is really my life. Man. Cya.
(1:48pm)
"If I'm Insecure"
You know, habits are a bitch.
For the last few weeks now, I've been trying to genuinely eat healthy, work out, and see to it that I finally take this health and fitness stuff seriously. Green soups. Apples. Yogurt. Bananas. Broccoli. Roasted Chicken. Salads. Greens. Greens. Greens.
Running. Jogging. Speedwalking. Paying for a gym membership that I haven't used this year because I'm too nervous or afraid to go in I guess? Been going to a park. It started off nice. Like I could really do it.
To be honest. I wanted to do it so I can stop my mom from talking about my body. I was serious about it. Then the urges. The fucking urges. You think one small thing will be enough. Won't make a difference on the scale.
It always does. The number stays the same. Goes down a few because of some detox tea. Then stays the same again. Then boom. The weight of the world. The state of us. Family. School. Work. You think "Fuck it, what's a cheap combo going to hurt. I'm going through it right now. I need something to just comfort me a bit". How fucking weak could I be. It's depressing. It's embarrassing. Fuck.
I'm uh, attending jury duty in a few hours. Should probably get some rest.
Laying in this bed, I haven't noticed how many entries I've written at this hour. Until now at least. Probably because no one can just walk into my room at this hour. I can just focus. My mind can just drift. I can feel for a bit. It's a saving grace.
If I could tear the fat from my flesh, I would. All in one day. Just rip it out. In a heartbeat. Look a way that won't warrant a comment from my mother.
I'm tired. Enjoy the song. Bye.
(1:26am)
February
"Zig Zag"
I know i've been doing an entry almost every monday but, I just feel like I need to talk about something.
For the last few months now, I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my instagram account. I deleted my personal twitter account years ago, and finally deleted my obsolete childhood facebook account two months ago. I stopped using reddit and tumblr. I'll probably retain my data from both and delete them as well before the end of the year. Instagram is really the last social media profile that I used back in my teens. This begs the question: should i even keep it up anymore.
I have two instagram accounts. One personal account that I've used since middle school and stopped using a few months before the pandemic, and another account that that I made at the start of the pandemic for art purposes only. I stopped using my personal account cause of how much I hated seeing what everyone I've ever met in school was doing. Even though I could have just unfollowed them. I don't know. Things were different back then. I don't think anyone cares about unfollowing anymore.
I only use the art account now. I follow a bunch of art stuff and a few people from high school and others I've met after that. That being said, I haven't uploaded any actual art on there in a long time. Mainly pictures now. I also kinda hate everyone I follow. So that's cool. I just don't know what I'm exactly trying to do.
Do I want to delete my entire social media presence, I guess is the question. Do I only want to be found through neocities? No one I know personally cares about personal websites. It's weird. My mom is the main person who shares posts to me. I could just have her send these post to me through iphone messages. We'll see though.
On top of that, I've become pretty tired of youtube? Crazy. The ads are too much and the ad blockers are too much to keep up with what works and what doesn't. I'd genuinely just stop using youtube, personally. We'll see. The internet just doesn't do much for me anymore besides through neocities and sometimes bluesky. Hell, I'm still learning to utilize rss feeds. May lead me to not even need bluesky. Who knows.
It's just alot to consider. I'm tired. I don't want to interact with people as much as I think anymore. Just too much. I don't even have much care for the people following me here. Anyway, hope you enjoy the song. Cya.
(4:35pm)
"Jóga"
February somehow feels just a bit longer than January. Not sure how it did, but it did you know. It's probably because of all the things that happened. Conversations and experiences.
Had a conversation with my mom at a cafe a few days ago about life stuff and other things. It was fine. Sometimes I have moments where I want to believe that I can actually be calm and open with my parents. It will most likely never happen. May need therapy to open myself up to that, but it's whatever. I just don't care. I'm still going to work on bettering myself but not for them. I just can't take them seriously. Even if they want the best for me. I just, do not care for either of them above the surface level.
Not sure how nice that is to read, especially if you really love your parents. Maybe you understand, maybe you don't. Is what it is.
Went to an art show that was pretty nice. Got some photos too
Well, I got a few pictures. On my older camera cause I thought it would actually kinda look nice but I forgot that the lighting kinda saves how shitty the quality on this old canon digital point and shoot I have. That photo above was from my iphone before the dithering but yea, one of the few photos that actually came out well. Oh well.
Will say, very tired. Just in general. Nothing really new. Just gotta take what I can get. Find some good. Run with it.
Still working out, more running than anything else and it's been nice. Might actually try to find some more trails so I can at least see something different while on my jogs. If I do, I'll try to get some photos and talk about it.
Yep. That's uh. That's all though. Hope you like the song, I'm finally starting to give Björk a try. Loving her stuff so far. Anyway, cya.
(1:34pm)
"still goin"
Today will probably be the last day I type an entry on my old macbook air laptop. This thing has been working tirelessly since 2017. I'm still shocked it's made it this long, but the last few weeks have proven that it's gonna kill me if I don't replace it. Everytime I try to move the cord while it's plugged in, it will literally start sparking. Death via electrocution is something I do not need right now. This isn't even including the fact that it can't stay on without being plugged in anyway.
I never realize how much I stick with things, even if they're on the brink of being a safety hazard to me. I need the upgrade though. Who knows, i'll probably toss this laptop on my old tech shrine as something to look back on. I could even give some context to all the stickers I've added to the front (There's alot).
Also, I'm not too sure if I mentioned this, but I've secured a ticket to a convention! Well, half convention/half fighting-game tournament this june. It'll be pretty fun I think. I'll be there to compete, but I'll mostly be vibing out and enjoying myself.
As you can see, lots of money has been spent these last few months. On things I want to experience and also for things I just genuinely need. Hard not to feel like I'm gonna have to start making more at some point. I've been considering going full time with my job, but I don't know if there even is a full-time position for my specific occupation. We'll see I guess.
That's been pretty much it though. Same old same old for all other avenues of my life at the moment. Haven't been able to find a good time to go to the bar or my local. Hopefully I can soon. Cya.
(12:23pm)
"Outside"
I've been outside a bit more lately
Mainly from jogging. Running. Speed-walking more realistically but it's been nice. The weight has been something I've felt I just can't ignore anymore. So I've finally started taking it all more seriously. It's hard for me. I don't know why.
I think I can do it. You know, really lose the weight and maybe recognize myself a bit more. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't doing this for myself fully. It's also just to keep my mother from bringing it up. Whatever I can do to stop her from being herself. I've talked about this before, but I want to change as much as I can about myself. In small ways or major ways. I need change. So, this has been one I want to finally see to fruition. Hopefully.
Weird week. It was rough, but the weekend was pretty nice. My youngest sisters birthday was sunday, and we went out a few times throughout the weekend to celebrate. It was fun.
I've had some pretty unsuccessful attempts at socializing in general this week. Both irl and online. At this point, I kinda hate even bringing anything up regarding my social life unless it's positive but hey, that's probably why I haven't been adding entries as frequently as usual. As much as I think there's some chances left for me to turn some of these potential friendships and/or relationships around, everything has been showing me that i'm just not that big of a deal. The silly part is there really isn't anything I can do about it.
I've never needed a friend more than right now. Oh well. Hope you like the song. Cya.
(12:38am)
"Dream House"
For how insanely packed last month was, I only had 3 entries. Which seems crazy, but I really just did not feel like I had much to say. I'm not sure if I'm coming towards some burnout regarding webmastering but, for the meantime, I still do like making changes and improving the site. I made visual changes with the main site background and I'm nooooot very sure I like the current look. I don't think the image fits very well. Might have to take some more photos and see what sticks. I'll leave it as is for now.
Speaking of photos, I've found a website for a pretty simple gallery. I'm gonna try to use it for the creations section that I've forgotten about. I'm still not EXTREMELY sure if I'll just put old images from my past or showcase art that I've made over the years. I could obviously just do something for both. It'd just be double the content for the site at the end of the day. But alas, I don't know which one I'll start with.
Oh, what's been going on with me? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've been trying to do SOMETHING since my last entry but if I'm being honest, nothing is happening. The same things, that's it. Now if I decided to be just a tad bit more truthful, I'd say that i've been pretty engrossed into both Brooklyn Nine-Nine and this new season of severance but my brain can be interesting like that. I've been enjoying both shows a lot. I've always wanted to try B99 but for some reason it just never grabbed me until I realized I had literally nothing to watch. That being said, I'm glad I started it because I haven't been able to stop since. The cast is full of people I'm not entirely familiar with (besides andy samberg, what a legend).
Besides those two shows, yea....not much else. Which is probably a good thing? Yea sure, we'll subscribe to that thought.
That's all then. Check out the song if you'd like. Cya.
(12:52pm)
January
"Pretend Friend"
4 more years of agony and pain and suffering and-
I'll talk about that somewhere else, but right now I just wanted to check in.
I've been okay, all things considered. Not that me saying "I'm okay" has held much weight to it for the past few years but, hey. What can you do. I managed to start talking to someone on hinge after months of tapping my screen aimlessly. Not sure if their even looking for a relationship honestly but hey, it's someone to reliably talk to so I'll take it.
If this falls through, I'll probably just give up and drop the app. It took me over a decade but I think I'm content with just going to the bar and having my biweekly social outings. Doesn't require as much screen time and the people there actually want to speak to me. Just makes sense logistically speaking. Ah yea, speaking of the bar and those tournaments, I'm strongly considering going to a major tournament in june. I have someone that lives fairly close to the venue up in orlando and idk. It could be fun, plus I'll have my car by then and I've already been driving longer distances more. I could absolutely make the drive by myself.
Besides that, what else...oh yea. The weather down here has been INSANE. When i got back from work last night it was the foggiest I've ever seen it. It's also been jarringly cold and windy. Which is (obviously) not common for florida. My sister sent me some photos she got from up northern florida, where it is actually snowing. Most snow we've gotten since like...1956 I think? Insane.
Yea, I'm almost done with the background work of cleaning up some of the code. It should look a bit better on mobile. Also, going to change the backgrounds and photos and music for the spring. Oh yea, you may have noticed that made the titles correspond with songs I'm really obsessed with at the moment. Hope you like them. I really need to make a music page, I have too much to share when it comes to it. Anyway, cya.
(12:35pm)
"Day Moving"
Just realized I had the day wrong for my first entry of the year, hm. Unwavering professionalism over here.
Anyway, this will be pretty short honestly. Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be redoing the website. From scratch. Yep. It'll look the exact same on the outside, but all the code will be done by me so I can have a complete understanding of my website, inside and out. When I first started this website I used sadgrl's template, and since then I've taken lots of built in stuff out and redone things to fit a certain aesthetic that I felt people would really enjoy. Thing is, I don't completely understand the mobile layout, and I also want all the comments to be tailored towards how I think, ya know?
I'm also going to be moving files around, rerouting things that should have been organized in folders ages ago, etc etc. Think of this as online spring cleaning. I'll hopefully have an even better understanding of html, css, and even javascript once I'm all done.
So yea. I'll see you all in a bit. Maybe I'll finally have enough questions when I'm back. Ha
(11:09pm)
"Silver Morning"
An instagram reel that I viewed on the toilet made me realize something very important today.
This year, 2025, will almost certain not be a "good one". Not a particularly hot take, but I'm just not going into this year with high hopes.
When I say that, I mean that I have always had a hard time feeling like I really needed to make any new years resolutions. Or write up any thing that I just had to accomplish. If time has proven anything to us, it's that things are only getting crazier. If you live in the United States like me, you should be very aware that this year has many bad things in store. That's all pretty surface level though.
The one thing I know for certain, is that I can control the level of content I want to make available to myself. I have control over what news reaches me.
Only I know what news is most important to me, and the limit that we have for how much bad we can take seeing each day. The current news cycle, is vicious. I don't care how much you are for one situation or the other, there is a point of no return. There is a point where the bad starts to seriously outway the good and affect your own well being and how you operate. You can support these causes, but please, please remember this: There is going to be so many horrible stories this year. You have to find the good near you and off your phone. Off the news. Keep in local. Keep it in communities you can ACTUALLY participate in physically. In-Person.
Stay sane. I'm serious. It's so damn easy to get lost in that shit. I've seen it. No matter how much "good" is in your heart. Everything in moderation. You are NOT immune to these things.
Every year is just a year. You can easily cherrypick the events that you actually care about to dictate if your year was good or not. It's not even worth comparing anymore.
I want to make it through this year, Alive. A genuine goal. That means something to me. I hope you all make it through too.
(11:35pm)