Journal

Monday, December 25 2023

This might be the first year where I was genuinely happy about the gifts I got people.

I got my mom the expresso machine, got one of my sisters a lego set she really wanted, and the other a vinyl record and a water container. They really liked the gifts, and I really enjoyed their expressions. This was the first year where we decided to just get everyone in the family a single gift instead of the whole secret santa thing. We all had decently paying jobs so it felt reasonable. Seemed to have worked out really well.

What did I get? Great question, here's a list of my gifts this year:

• Animal Crossing New Horizons Vol. 1 CD Boxset
• 24oz Candle
• Gray Waste Basket
• New Set of Boxers
• Two 8x10 Picture Frames
• White Sweatshirt
• Hot Wheels Car (Lets fucking go)

That's it! I suppose that seems pretty meh , and I guess you're right. I honestly didn't know what I wanted this year. I have the means to get what I really want and I just didn't feel like bombarding my list with website links for what I actually wanted.

Anywho, I got scattered "Merry Christmas" messages from like 2 people, no surprise there. It is what it is. One of the people that I started talking to blocked me suddenly as well. After pitching a coffee meetup after the holidays as well, huh.

Well, that's it I guess. I'm probably going to make some small additions to the site to get ready for 2024, and also try my best to finish this damn bookbug reading before new years eve.

Webmaster Out (3:15)

Thursday, December 21 2023

I'd consider this as the penultimate journal entry for the year

Today, I got my mom a christmas gift, a stainless steel expresso machine. She brought up how much she'd like it, so It felt like a no-brainer. It's been wrapped (my personal best wrap-job yet. Shoutout Ray Jordan) and put under the tree. It was fairly expensive so my sisters are pitching in a bit of cash to ease the damage to my bank account. Already put all three of our names on it as well.

I was not the best son this year. Lies, laziness, etc etc. Even when I don't deserve it, who cares, I probably do just off karma alone. I don't know if she truly likes me. As a son, I've been alot. I'm pretty sure most parents would have kicked me out by now. But hey, lucky me.

Change is hard. Fixing things is hard. They all take time, and I feel like I don't have much time in general. I feel like I'm losing time always. It's a shame. I don't think I'll ever feel like myself till I leave this home, for a certain period of time at least.

I guess that's my true goal right now in life: Leave. My home, my family, the state? I don't know. I just need to leave.

That's all I felt like discussing, trust me. My social life isn't going anywhere right now.

Hey um, also, if you read these, thanks. This is more or less an exercise for me to just talk somewhere that isn't my head. If you couldn't tell I guess.

Webmaster Out (5:07pm)

Saturday, December 16 2023

A Person of habit. That's me.

I feel like I make groundbreaking changes psychologically almost everyday. These changes are never put to use, physically. Why? Let's hope the psychologist or therapist I get soon will tell me.

I'm currently, well, alone. Soon, I'll return to school and be surrounded by people again and it will be JARRING. I feel like it will be okay but being in a classroom again is going to be weird. Will I be able to make new friendships again? I don't know. I mean, probably right? I live pretty close to the school so the likelihood of it is in my advantage.

Here's the thing: I'm doing this thing right now where I try to find someone that will talk to me. This includes well...texting past "friends" from high school. This includes messaging the person that ignored my message from 5 months back. This includes pushing past my own...fractured dignity and thinking things will be different.

It happens alot. This time though. This time is different. This time they didn't give me a pity response. This time, they really just did not respond.

Where is the limit? How many times can you message these people, hoping they'll finally say "Yea, we can hang out. When are you free?" Apparently, over the course of 4-5 years...alot.

I still don't have the willpower to delete the numbers. To just, stop it. Do I like this? Do I like the realization after a few minutes of waiting for a response? Getting a good morning back and that's it? An apology and radio silence for months? What do I really give to them? What important role did I play in their life? Why have I dealt with this for half a decade? Time is fleeting. Why don't I care?

I don't have an answer. Hopefully I will soon. I'm talking to someone right now. They seem like they actually want to be my friend. I'm waiting on a possible call right now. Every now and then I feel like they'll stop messaging back if I don't say the right thing. What a terrible way to feel.

Noticed how none of this dealt with in-person conversation?

Here's to the cycle. Fuck it.

Webmaster Out (9:12pm)

Wednesday, December 13 2023

I had a doctors appointment today. Went how I expected it too. Discussion about my weight gain since my last appointment (15lbs over) and other things. I've been looking at photos of myself from the past alot more lately. At least, the photos I can find of myself back when I took photography more serious. My face looks different. Thinner. Made me feel weird.

I also brought up my whole "talking to myself" (learn more in my daydream section) thing too with her. Mom came in to add some details, etc etc. Looks like I'll be setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist soon to be evaluated. I'm a bit relieved. Maybe I'll finally find out if this is all something real. If it nothing to truly worry about. Doesn't hurt to have confirmation.

Besides that though, I'm a healthy dude. Just a bit chubby and kinda crazy.

So, what else? Well, Still doing some christmas shopping. It's been pretty cold down here actually. Was nearing the sub 50s for a bit when I left work one night. It's also been rainy. It's currently very gloomy and doomy. I like it though, the cold. Just feels really good when you're constantly bordering between a sweaty mess and sunburns.

Got my sister a lego set she wanted, just gotta figure out what I'm getting my other sister. Maybe a Record Player? She has been asking for one. Hm, we'll see.

That's all though, tbh. Oh, wait, I've been attempting to find people to talk to and hang out with and I MAY have found some success! It's just a matter of if they'll actually like...follow through. Meeting people on the internet, I'd say it's a mistake but, well, I'm here. You're pretty neat too.

Alrighty then, till next time.

Webmaster Out (2:18pm)

Sunday, December 10 2023

Today, I introduced version 2.0 of my website. Uploaded everything I worked on and well, yea. It's all here.

I don't know why I thought I'd get a sea of applause for this. It's not an album. It's not an instagram post. It's not a tweet. It was me making my website better. I'm proud of it. I guess I just thought it would be more...something?

It's really not something that should matter. As long as I'm happy with how it all came out, that's what matters. That being said. I keep checking my guestbook. Ever since that screw-up with 123guestbooks, I've gotten myself to think that the guestbook is "broken". All because no one is leaving any messages as of lately.

What was that? How is life going? Oh, well, not sure really.

Honestly, it's complicated. I have a clear cut plan for the future right now, mainly around juggling working part-time and school part-time/full-time. I've seriously considered returning back to photography too. Posting my pictures again. I also want to make more friends. I've messaged people, not really giving a fuck if I message them twice either. It's alot of silence lately. Between the music, voices, and screens. Mostly silence. More silent car rides with the window down lately. Silently doing paperwork at 12am. Silent jogs.

I feel like I'm getting kicked randomly every day. I realized that quite some time ago.

I hope 2024 is kind to me. Allows me to succeed. I'm saying this while ignoring the fucking shitstorm of a world that I live in. I'm saying this under the impression that the world will be completely okay as I try to get my shit together.

It won't. I guess I'll try anyway though. Wish me luck.

Webmaster Out (11:29pm)

Sunday, December 3 2023

Yea, fuck Apple Tv. When I found out that practically all the great Charlie Brown specials were stuck behind a network subscription, I was pretty annoyed at first. But then I found out they were all stuck behind APPLE TV OF ALL SERVICES. Dear God. That type of knowledge will make you put on old army gear, take some poor guys ford f150, and drive through Apple HQ while brandishing several weapons which would then be put to use by ******* ***** ***** ****** ** *** ********.

For legal purposes, the sentences above are, quite simply, true. Anyway, I utilized my cracked firestick that my family uses in the living room, and found them all for free. So, apple higher-ups, you live to see another day.

Now, let's ignore the second half of that first paragraph, and talk about how I've been.

I'm just gonna say that alot has changed since that entry from november 12th. People I cared about, well, I hurt a few. Plenty of things came to light. Life moves on.

I'm returning to school next year. Wild. I won't be returning to the previous school I attended though. Tuition is too much, and honestly, the academic advisors there just fucked me over. Completely. I should be far more along my academic path but, well. I could easily use the Covid card but hey, it was also me.

Being an "Honor Roll Student" in elementary School and getting in those gifted classes at a young age does something to you. I passed test. Yet I always goofed around on regular assignments. That type of stuff worked all the way through high school. Then College hit. Boom, whole different ball park. My usual method of doing stuff just was not working, and failed a few classes.

There's plenty of fun information that fills in the gaps of my 2018-2021 college career, but they really don't matter. I've got alot of catching up to do. I look forward to it though. I haven't been around people in this kind of setting in awhile, so its definitely going to be jarring to just walk into a classroom for the first time in two years. Then again, I do want to graduate. Truly. So, here's to me I guess.

Also, Update 2.0 is coming along really well! It might be out sooner than I expected honestly. Still want it to look exactly how I want it to, so stay tuned for more updates on that.

Webmaster Out (9:58pm)

Tuesday, November 28 2023

Hey. Today, I'd like to talk about trinity's upcoming version 2.0 update.

I've been toying around through brackets on my macbook air and testing out new stuff I want to do with the site. I didn't want to just attempt editing the whole website through neocities code editor, as that would be far too inconsitent and be really annoying for the constant updates to pop up. I also want it to be a surprise. I've made changes in the color scheme, cut down on alot of unnececary code and comments, shuffled a few divs around. You know, the whole shabang. I'm also gonna have to test and see how it all looks on different browsers and monitors. Things are a bit more scrunched up on my macbook screen. There always seems to be more "space" to utilize on my desktop setup, so I gotta figure out if maybe keeping the size proportions for all the pages will be worth it or if it's just a waste of time to really worry about.

I also considered adding more font variety, for the one that i'm currently using, I only installed like 2 versions of the font type. I remember doing that just so I could inject some uniqueness into the early site. But hey, I've had this website for going on 7 months now. Just felt time for some serious change. Also, wanted to put my html and css skills to the test. Push what I can do with this site and really make it my own.

Besides that, I'll be optimizing some stuff too. Putting all My CSS code under its own page instead of housing it within each .html page. All the pages felt like they were impossible to edit due to how much stuff I had in them so, that should help for quick fixes and info I want to add on the fly, or for journal entries. I'm also considering making a page for all the major updates I make for trinity. May replace the changelog. Who knows though, just stuff to ponder on.

I don't have a set time on when this update will drop, but I'm thinking before 2024 for sure. Soooo....Look forward to that. This site means alot to me, so I want to really do my best with it.

Also, I'll update you all on how I've been and what's happened since I've been gone. It's alot. When things have settled, I'll talk about it. I missed you all though. Seriously. Thanks for still viewing the site for some reason (16,000+ views...jeez)

As always

Webmaster Out (3:08pm)

Sunday, November 12 2023

*Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts, Weight Shame*

Hey. What's up? Everything been okay with you all?

I hope so. I'm noticing that it has been a week since my last entry. I felt like writing an entry a few times throughout the week, but I just didn't. Which isn't bad. I have alot of text filling up this html page I use for the journals. It's starting to lag a bit when I make entries now. I'll have to look into a more effective method for this.

Not that important right now though. I should probably talk about what happened this week. Ah. Alot. I'm at an all time low. On all fronts. I feel...everything. It's literal this time around. Life at home feels bad. I'm just not a good son. Everything I do, is a fuck up. 24 years old, screwing up everything. Can't keep my weight down. I eat, then hate myself for it immediately after. My mom. She hates seeing me like this.

She walked in on me changing my shirt yesterday and I felt shame. Genuine shame from her. I get it. Doing everything you can for someone and they just. Don't budge. For a mother, that has to be terrible to feel.

I'm trying. I'd like to not lie on here for the sake of just feeling like I have someone to be honest with. My thoughts have been intense. I don't really have a way of knowing if people have actually seen my daydream shrine, but if you have, you know that I talk to myself alot. Internal dialogues that do get in the way of my life. They don't help me. I feel sick. I feel disgusting. I feel unlovable. I feel like I can't love.

I'm not comfortable taking pictures of myself anymore.

I'm scared. I don't see myself ever harming myself, but I never thought to consider that the way I've treated myself for the past few years have been harmful. The path I'm taking. It's not a good one. I'm aware of this all and no action is being made. I just wait. Wait to get hit by a car on my way back home from work. Wait for the sharp pain in my body to finally take me. Wait for it all to just. Stop.

I need to start therapy soon. I just don't feel like saying all this to a fucking screen. I need a real person in front of me. I need genuine connection. Not another fucking window I have to repeat myself to everytime I discuss the shit going on inside my head.

I'll stop now. I'm sorry. This website. It shouldn't just be this. Walls of text that make people that see it increasingly concerned for my well-being. I wanted to make friends again. I want friends. I want to go back to school. I want to have my own car. I want to get a decent paying job and have a place all to myself. I want to make my sisters proud of their big brother. I want to make my parents feel like they didn't screw up somewhere along the line. I want the fucking voices to stop. I want to be okay.

I hope you all are doing okay. Feeling like this, along with everything else in the world going on. It feels fucking terrible. I couldn't wish these feelings on anyone. I appreciate anyone that gives this all a moment of their day.

Also, I get if you couldn't make it through all this. I get if you just skipped this whole journal entry. It's not nice. I'll probably avoid re-reading this one. So, yea.

This is rock bottom. Only way is up.

Webmaster Out (1:40am)

Sunday, November 5 2023

I am currently living weekend to weekend. The second monday hits, I'm only working towards saturday morning. Obviously, this is not a good thing. It's concerning. The weekend usually brings me some sort of peace. Or something like that. But uh, this weekend was...yikes. It was a fairly nice weekend all things considered. But me?

I felt pretty hollow.

Since I got to work that friday evening. I just felt...done. Like it all just did not matter. I will not change. Everything I do is a distraction from what I really need to be doing. Going to and finishing college. Graduating. Being done with it. Leaving. Progressing in life. I have been on pause for years now. I have to move. Literally and mentally.

There's still some things you all don't know about me. I was in college. Awhile ago. Started okay. But uh, it quickly became overwhelming. Alas, I lied and pretended I could handle it. Thanks 1st grade gifted program from 2006. You really put me on quite the path.

My educational career has been nothing short of a miracle. As in its a miracle I graduated high school. I really, truly skimmed my way through. All cause I couldn't bare just telling my parents I'm average. I just had to pretend I was smart. "Gifted" as they told me in elementary school. Ever since I was yanked out of my normal class and put in the gifted class in 5th grade, I just...never really did well. That continued into middle school and then high school. Cambridge...dear god. That was a mistake. Just...fucking shit. Of course it would really come to bite me in the ass when it came to college.

I'm scared of failure. Maybe. Or maybe it's...dissapointment? No. No idea. Whatever it is. It's ruining me. It's ruining me bad. I'm tired. I want to be good. I want to be happy. These distractions. They're going to fucking ruin me.

Webmaster Out (11:16pm)

Friday, November 3 2023

As I go through the week, I sometimes think about stuff and try to remind myself to save it for the journal, you know. Something to write about, etc etc. Yet, everytime I get ready to actually put out an entry, it's pretty late and I forget stuff and end up just sadposting about "mah life, mah brain" etc etc.

Must make these entries pretty bleak for some of you to read. Sorry about that. (Disco Elysium has made me hyperaware of how many times I say sorry, and I feel really weird about it now lmao. Thanks, 40 dollar Video Game.)

I have a ps5 now. I know, I know. Right before Black Friday. Not my most finacially sound moment, but I needed to play Spiderman 2 before I got spoiled. It was gradually popping up more and more every app I use and I just couldn't keep dodging stuff for another month. I was able to knock the price down significantly with trade in bonuses and some extra points I had leftover on my gamestop account. Still, I really could have waited.

It's officially the holidays. Very Fun. Seems like everything is just skipping Thanksgiving and going straight to Christmas things. This has been the case for years, but it seems far more aggresive this time around. Christmas-y Ads already playing on the radio. Christmas things up at stores since late September. I don't know. Kinda wacky. Nothing wrong with it really. At least that I can think of. I love the holidays so I can't really knock anyone for it. I dig it. Love the music and the lights and the movies and...yea just those three really.

Home life has been uncomfortable. Wish I could just take a nice week long break somewhere else. Somewhere calm. Not some damn spot in the forest either. I don't need isolation. I just need like, nice people and a decent area to walk around and do small things when I want to. A Vacation, but a proper one. One where you actually relax. Not just do a bunch of shit and get tired but in a completely different place in the world.

Realizing how much of a waste my week off from work was.

Realizing how bad my birthday was.

cool.

Webmaster Out (2:13am)

Saturday, October 28 2023

*Spoilers incoming for the game "Disco Elysium"*

I've been playing this game, Disco Elysium, for the past week. I beat it last night. I'm not the biggest fan of RPGs usually, but this game was different. Very different. From the mountain of dialogue to all the crazy wacky things you could do with your character to steer them towards being a better or worse person. I loved it. I felt very attached to the main character you play as. Wanting to do better. Be better than the mess of a human being I was before the events of the game transpired. You're basically a detective/cop that wakes up in his hotel room, destroyed and in his underwear, with his memory wiped clean and unsure what he's even doing there in the first place. What yopu end up with is learning not only about a town, but an entire world. The amount of information and lore they shoved into this game is overwhelming and completely necessary for you to truly feel what this world has to offer.

It also made me fearful for the people in this world. I'd find myself saying/choosing the wrong response when I feel like it's more or less a normal response to ask. Trying to learn about each character. Constantly seeing the good in them. I do this in most games that give you choices to make. The game does a great job of really letting you have it when you say the wrong thing, and letting you know when the right thing to say may just not be. The skills you choose at the beginning of the game being your "voices in your head" adds another layer to the decision making process. There's also a dice rolling mechanic that decides your chances on important choices and decisions that could make or break your story and you.

So....I screwed up a few times. The game really digs deep into the political and emotional ways you go about trying to to figure out and ultimately solve the crime, if you even can. You will have peoples lives at stake. Their morals. Their homes. Their past. All at your fingertips. You do with that, whatever you want. It's scary. Towards the end of my playthrough, I was stuck inbetween 3 drunk and violent mercenaries that had come to seek revenge for their dead comrade. Genuinely ready to kill everyone on the street for the fuck of it. My nerves at there highest. I lucked out and found my gun (Yes, you lose your gun at the start of the game. Thank goodness I was able to find it before this mission) so I had the option to take out the leader. My chances of hitting my shoot? 27% As I went through each dialogue option, hoping peace was an option, I slowly realized that you really had no choice to but to chance it and he I got out unscaved. I took the shoot...and my screen went a dark red..."Chance: Failed".

I loaded up my save data from 4 minutes before I went in, and tried again with my skill points now in "Hand/Eye Coordination" I checked again. 74%. I nailed the shoot this time. He's not dead but he's bleeding bad and on the ground....hold on.

Another skill based decision. I now have to dodge the bullet from the leaders long range gunner. Chances of dodging THAT shot? 13%. Fuck me. My partner, Kim, is about to take his shot at the long range gunner, jumping to my side. He wears glasses. His eyesight really is not all there. The last time he shot something was while we tried to get the victims body down from his belt-wrapped noose. He missed.

I let this one happen. I'm hit, but kim makes his shot, killing that member of the mercenary group. My shoulder is bleeding bad, and the hit pushes me, losing my balance a bit. I turn my head, and the leader is staring at me. Gun in hand. Red in his eyes, a mix of the blood from the shot I made, and just pure rage. The chances of me dodging this shot?

3%. Utter failure, no matter what. You will always be hit by that specific bullet. This shootout will always happen.

I didn't know this though. I tried again. Loaded up my save data and tried one more time. This time, I made the shot. I dodged the long range shot. Still got hit and put out cold. Not dead, but out for a few days. Pushing me towards the final stretch of the game.

Weird entry. I know. I would forget to save sometimes. My game actually crashed a few times at really bad moments. It was frustrating so I started quick saving after every important discussion I had with a character. Sometimes, I wouldn't like what I said. I'd just keep it moving though for the most part. Until that shootout. I started really wanting the good ending. Or at least the best possible ending for myself. He deserved it. The game paints a vivid image of a really fucked past. A past he really didn't deserve. No wonder he dove towards alchohol to the point of forgetting...everything. The history of the town...island...country is a bleak one. You realize that no one in this game, no matter how fucked or twisted, deserved the luck they all were dealt. Here I am. Constantly trying again and again to give the most amount of people the best possible ending for them all.

To have that ability in real life. Be able to try that terrible conversation over. To take another crack at that question you messed up on answering. To save someone. To save a friendship. Or a life.

Interesting. That's all.

Webmaster Out (6:19pm)

Monday, October 23 2023

Back home, in bed. As it should be.

Sunday was interesting. Woke up and got our stuff ready to toss into the car when we got back from the marketplace we were gonna visit for brunch. It was this place called Domu, they served ramen and wings and stuff of that sort. They offered bottomless momosas, which my mom and I decided to try out.

We...let my mom have one too many. Long story short, the food was great, and the drinks were pretty good. The experience was overall nice, ignoring the fact my mom tried to set me up with our waitress for half of our time there.

Yea. Anyway, we wait out the drinks at barnes and nobles once we leave. She's feeling pretty sick, but we gotta get back to the house we're staying at so we can start putting our stuff in the car and get back home. So we get in the car and start driving back when she, in a plastic bag that was previously holding our left-overs, throws up. Class act, ladies and gentleman.

We make it back, and she's recovering from that all. After an hour or two of waiting, we put our stuff in the rental, say our goodbyes, and hop on the road back home.

That was my weekend. I could list all the bad, and obviously see the good things that happened too. I didn't detail everything that happened. I left out some parts too. Death in the family of our-you know I guess I'll just say my mom's friend. Calling her the ex-fiance just doesnt work well in these sentences. She was struggling. We were with her mostly for moral support. On my birthday weekend, yes you're right.

Yep. I don't know what to say either. It's pointless. My birthday has passed, nothing has changed. I got one birthday card. From my uncle.

Huh. I just realized no one else got me a card.

Hm.

24 year old Webmaster Out (1:29am)

Sunday, October 22 2023

I'm currently typing this from an extremely uncomfortable angle on a weird chair/bed hyrbid in my Uncle's Ex-fiances House.

Yes, I was at my uncle's house yesterday. Shhh. I couldnt begin to describe the meaning behind that if I tried.

So yesterday was my actual birthday. Started off with waking up moderately tired and going out to breakfast. It was fine, went to this place called Kiki's and had this busboy who was very funny come by our table every now and then just to shoot the shit. It was nice. Went back to my uncle's place and packed up to head over to the ex-fiance. (I know that sentence is weird; like I said, alot of stuff I just cant get into) Once we got there, unpacked (again) and I just chilled at the house for awhile while they went to the outlet to shop. After that, we decided on eating out someplace close. We were gonna do this marketplace but it was getting late, so we decided on an ale house. Drinks were...okay. The food was about what you'd expect from a sports bar at 10pm.

Today was something I don't think I have the vocabulary word to describe with.

No better way of putting it. Tired of saying that a day was "okay" or "alright". I'm just not smart enough to use the right word to really describe this day.

I just. I'm depressed. Clearly. I felt nothing today. I got a few happy birthdays from relatives that had my number. All family, that's it. I um. I gave up I think. I didn't tell a soul it was my birthday on instagram. My twitter account is gone. I just did not want to say it was my birthday. Because if I said it was, and I got birthday responses from people that do not have any reason to talk to me. People that don't want to talk to me. People that say they want to talk to me and don't. What would that do? How would I feel? Hollow? Maybe.

That person that wanted to hang out did not respond to me. I told them I got to orlando the day I got to my uncles on friday. They left me on seen.

I don't have anything to say about it anymore. This has been going on for years. It's what it is.

I'm sorry. Today, I'll be going back home.

Cool.

Webmaster Out (3:29)

Friday, October 20/Saturday, October 21 2023

Alas, it has finally arrived. I'm typing this from my uncle's house in Orlando. The week was a pretty boring drag that doesn't really need to be recalled. I woke up early today to make sure my bag was ready and everything I wanted to bring with me was set. My dad rented us a pretty damn nice car for the ride up, since it was my first time taking such a long drive.

Edit: October 21st

Okay this is the next day. We went out to eat after I finished the first paragraph, and just decided to get ready and head over to Universal as soon as possible. It was just My sisters and I, as far as my first experience of Halloween Horror Nights, I'd say it was okay. We were there from 7:00pm to like 12am. The majority of the event was waiting in lines for the actual scare attractions (longest we waited was an hour for the last of us), which of course lasted maybe 2 minutes due to how fast you're trying to get out of there while also kinda trying to appreciate the actual thing. We also did this Men in Black ride which was just something to do since the line was so small. After the last of us, we went on the the Hollywood Ripride Rollercoaster, which also had an absurdly long line, all for the ride to slightly fuck up my back (Aging, woohoo). Overall though, it was worth it just due to how scared my sister was by all the scare actors. I'm talking, "loudest scream in the park" levels of scared. A park security personel had to check on her just to make sure she was okay (her knees get weak when she gets scared) but uh, yea, after a few well needed laughs, it was in our best interest to just avoid any more scares for her sake.

Oh I also bought these "spooky" poutine chips and it was...an interesting choice even though I was starving. I don't know if my stomach is gonna really enjoy that decision from last night. Oh well. We're gonna head out in a bit, so I'll update you guys later. Happy Birthday to me, yippee.

Webmaster Out (10:25am Saturday)

Monday, October 16 2023

This is my birthday week. I've got a gut feeling it will be shit.

Reasoning? None. The past week has been crawl. Life has gotten a bit slow. The days move at a weird pace. The morning is fast and the night takes forever. That's only because my sleep schedule is terrible. I feel like I'm in the strangest place I've ever been in. I thought last year was weird. I thought the year before was strange. But this year? I don't have the proper words to describe it. Maybe a comedic tradegy? That could work.

Everything I type feels overdramatic. Which is hilarious coming from someone that. Oh. Oh wow. I don't even know what I'm actually like. Ha. Self realization is a pain.

I'm going to try my best to be the best person I can be this week. I will. If I can do that, and just be a good person, maybe this will be a good week. I just have to be the person I've been trying to be for 4 years now. I just gotta stop fucking up. I can do that. I can do it. I can.

Because if i can't? If i really, truly can't do the right thing? Then what?

Exactly. I can wake up early. I can go to the gym. I can smile. I can look people in the eyes. I can eat healthy. I can remember things. I can speak up. I can be around my family. I can be a good son. I can be there. Nothing is stopping me from being what I should've been years ago.

So why I didn't I do this sunday? Because I'm tired. I am really tired. You're tired too. But you still push through.

So why didn't I? Why is everyone pushing through except me? I'm not special. If you can do it, so can I.

Sorry about that.

I plan on going to orlando this weekend. Might even get to hangout with an internet pal. Knowing how things go, it probably won't happen. I'll pop in throughout the week.

Webmaster Out (2:39am)

Friday, October 13 2023

So. You guys see the news lately?

Yea. Pretty uh, not good stuff on there.

That combined with sadly checking twitter a few times on an old backup account I still have, it was a recipe for disaster. Feels like everyone is doing and saying the wrong thing all at once. Like, it's not new information that we're extremely desensitized to shit. Which will probably be to our detriment sooner or later. Seeing how like, bad things are getting just feels a bit scary. The weird part though? I feel like I'm the only one. Either we're all amazing actors, or like, I don't know. But I feel like just a few more people should be running through the streets right now. Like, I'd get it. I wouldn't judge a soul for breaking down in the middle of a grocery store.

I know that within a few days, maybe a week or two, holiday stuff will push over the two major wars that are going on at the same time right out of the news cycle. We'll just...move on. As always.

Sometimes, while I'm driving, I get this random realization that it is within the realm of possibility for our planet to just get obiliterated by a meteor going speeds we just wouldn't be able to understand or process till it was too late. It can happen whenever, regardless of what was going on here.

It's pointless to think that, since you know, there's nothing we can do about that so it's best to just shove it to the back of your head. But, well, we all know the worst-case scenario for all the things happening right now in the world. As they become just a tiny bit more plausible, is it really that crazy to not want to lay in your bed for a few weeks and just really process how scary it all is? Is it really that wrong to be scared?

I'm realizing how bleak this all sounds, sorry about that.

I uh, got next week off from work. Birthday is also next week so, pretty fun stuff on the way.

I hope so at least.

Webmaster Out (3:06am)

Saturday, October 07 2023

Talking is hard for me, and talking about the past is a bit harder. Probably cause my memory isn't that good either.

I had a drink before typing this, and it was a doozy. Alas, I've got Oneohtriz Point Again playing right now. Their new album Again is absolutely beautiful and it feels like a crime to not listen to it at full volume. Sorry future me, this shit is good.

Oop. On to different music, Somehow got to Stella Maris by Moby. I'm really all over the place tonight.

I've come pretty far. Not far enough though. I don't know what I'm waiting for. War? Civilization to collapse? Why can't I do what I must? Why am I waiting for the world to end? Why must it be now. Why now.

Another mess of an entry. I wonder if anyone...really reads these. Of course someone does. Will they let me know?

Webmaster Out (9:38pm)

Thursday, October 05 2023

Alright so I rushed that last entry, it was pretty...eh. I had planned to say alot more but, sometimes I just get a bit tired halfway through a genuine thought and the whole thing just falls apart. It's a bad habit that I gotta kick to the curb but hey. Baby steps.

Weird thing that I'm proud about: I've somehow managed to go over two weeks without biting my nails! Woohoo! "Oh god, that's gross." No shit! That's why I'm proud of myself. Gotta start somewhere folks. Besides that, it continues to be really rainy down here in florida. Just had to mow our backyard lawn this morning and I'm really not enjoying how frequent that task has become. Love nature but man, lawns are not worth this type of labor.

Completely unrelated, but I guess I've followed enough people and been here long enough to realize that yes, every website has it's downsides. I'm probably going to be less frequent on the activity page of neocities. Seems like there's been more...negative stuff going on along with some pretty bad websites being made and it's seems like there's currently no way to really report them. Aloooot of people are leaving sites like twitter (not gonna call it the other name), tumblr, etc for here and of course the bad will come with the good. I might just stick to communicating through my guestbook and that's it. Also going to thoroughly go through my followers and following list to make sure I'm following decent people at the very least. Gotta do what you gotta do. I came here for a reason. I will protect my space no matter what.

Anywho, just be normal and let's just hope neocities can survive more and more people coming here.

Webmaster Out (2:52pm)

Wednesday, SeptemberOctober 04 2023

October has begun, and there's only one thing on my mind:

Yea nevermind, I thought I had one thing but a bunch rushed to my head immediately. I enjoy the fall. I'm not a big fan of horror movies but the decorations are always sweet to see. The scents of pumpkin and cinnamon and whatever else. It's great. Along with my birthday coming up, idk. Always something to look forward with these last three months of the year. Even though weather wise, not much changes here in florida.

Of course, there's also some other things that are kinda dampering the whole month. Two pretty close family members passed last year around my birthday. My mom is still feeling the affects of all that. Life, ya know.

Regardless, We look forward to the good. Money is a bit of an issue though. Once again, we'll ignore that. Positive thoughts. Woohoo.

I also picked up some candles today. Yippee.

Webmaster Out (5:15pm)

Friday, September 29 2023

So, I deactivated twitter.

About time, but hey, better late than never. I still have Instagram, might remove tumblr too. Not lik, deactivating it like twitter though. Tumblr is a good archive for...something I guess. My middle school years? I don't really know. Twitter did nothing good for me. Besides allowing me to befriend many people back in 2017-2018. Since then, not much. I'm glad though. Really.

Besides that, I've gotten back in contact witha few people. Will they actually keep talking to me? Will I actually hang out with any of them and form some actual friendships? Probably not. It's nice to hope though.

Also just realized how many entries I've made this month alone. Jeez. Lots to say. Better here than stuck in my head though. Next month will be my birth month, so I'll probably have plenty to say then too soooo, stay tuned.

Webmaster Out (3:14pm)

Thursday, September 28 2023

Yesterday, my mom was alerted by the fact that one of her favorite artist, bruno mars. The ticket prices seemed reasonable and the location was fairly close to us, so it felt like a no-brainer to try and get tickets for us all to go see him. Last time my mom tried to see him, the ticket prices were up there in the thousands and it was a pretty soul crushing experience so, we planned ahead, found a pre-sale code, and set up a reminder to get tickets for the friday showing. All sounded fine and dandy right?

Today, 9:31am: I wake up, pretty much ready to go. I brush my teeth, grab my laptop, and grab my mom's laptop too. Heading over to the kitchen table, my sister is already there making breakfast. We get the computers up and ready and start sitting in the queue. My number? 4399. Her number? 5600. Okay, big number, but I'm not too surprise. It's bruno mars for crying out loud. He's pretty popular and rarely drops by south florida like this so it's fine.

9:55am: We're basically just sitting there now. Nerves are wracking up, but were pretty confident that it'll be a breeze. The timer is starting to tick down, my mom is pretty worried we maybe could have set up a bit earlier. My sister and I are trying to calm her down a bit but hey, we're nervous too.

10:00am: Boom, virtual gates open up. The number for our queue is slowly but surely going down as we see who will be the first one to be let in. Somehow, my mom's computer gets through first, but its whatever. My sister types in the Pre-sale code and we get in to see the seating chart and price list. and uh. well. It's fucked. When we checked yesterday, the price range seemed to be from $200 to $500 per person, which my mom was willing to go for. She really likes bruno and compared to the other concert, these prices were more than reasonable for the venue. When we ACTUALLY checked the seats....front row: $1200 excluding fees. Middle row, now with half the seats disappearing every second: $600 exluding fees. It was mind-numbing. We tried to clicked on seats that were next to each other, but before we could even move to find the overall price, one or more of the seats would magically disappear. My sister was freaking out, and this made my mom panic a bit, so I grabbed the computer and started flying towards the back to see what wa available. Seats. Scattered. No more than 3 next to each other. It was mayham. The real kicker? As we're seeing these seats disappear, some would actually REAPPEAR, so we thought, oh okay, maybe people are unselecting seats. Yet, the second I clicked on those seats, they would disappear AGAIN. It was the most painful case of hopelessness I've ever encountered. It was just bad.

10:10am: So uh...10 minutes later. We scrambled to thursday to see if we can scrap together something. Empty. All gone. Some reappearing, but at this point it felt like a glitch if anything. Felt like watching a bulldozer slowly tear down your house.not literally but like, you know what I mean, it was pretty sad It was bad man. We gave up, my mom was pretty defeated, and all I can say is: Everyone at ticketmaster, I hope you stub your toe in the same spot at least 3 times today. Die.

Anyway, I'm at starbucks with them sipping this iced pumpkin chai tea latte.

Webmaster Out (2:35pm)

Monday, September 25 2023

3am. Again.

I will be 24 years old next month. 1 more year and I can rent a car I think.

Cool. Cool. Fun.

I'm not...like scared of getting older. It's inevitable. I know. I will die. Blah blah, time doesnt stop for anyone, yea yea I've heard it in a million movies, shut up.

I do wonder though, about the future. For us all. I think things will get better, in a small sense.

Grand scale though? Oh we're done for. I have little faith in the saving of our planet or whatever. Short term, we'll probably get paid more or like, get some basic human rights back. Long term, we'll probably be done in by some idiot that accidentally edged on some military commander and had him hit the big red button.

Yea, I'm clearly tired. Cross this one out, doesnt count.

Webmaster Out (3:15am)

Sunday, September 24 2023

Sooo...A tree fell on my car on thursday

Comedy gold, I know. Nothing REALLY bad happened though. The tree was struct by lightning and like half of it fell towards the back of my car. Thankfully, It more or less just scratched some of the paint on the back. No glass breaking or dents, so I lucked out there. Already gave my manager the pictures and stuff sooo, maybe they'll help out with the damages? I'm hoping so tbh. We'll see though. I'm already looking for a new car anyway so like, it all depends.

So last night, I ACTUALLY went to the bar again. I know I know, rare "trinity actually doing what he says he wants to do" moment. It was pretty rainy yesterday, and well, it has been like all month really. It was the same thing actually, seems like they do it on the last saturday of every month, so that's neat. They had a food truck this time too! and ooooooohhhhh goodness. They had jerk chicken pasta. Yes. Of course I got the pasta. It was soooooo hot, but I pushed through because it was that good (and I also wanted to make it back inside for the free beer pours :)

Besides the pasta, I didn't actually stick around as long as I did last time. I played a few arcade games, messed around on Mortal Kombat 1, even got to play a bit of mario kart with some people for like 4 tracks (I set it to 8, they left and it was a bit awkward) overall though, it was less social then last time for sure. I did try! No I didn't, that was a lie. I also found out that they had twisted teas there, and that single can nearly knocked me on my ass with all the other drinks I had so I called it a night right then and there. Overall, an okay night though.

So yea, I uh, don't know what I got planned for this equally rainy sunday. Might go out and get a silly toy from tates, make some guac? Yea I probably will who am I kidding.

Webmaster Out (11:16am)

Thursday, September 21 2023

You know what, It's pretty hard for me to talk to my parents

I don't know why, classic anxiety I guess? It's whatever, but my mom and I went to starbucks earlier today to talk about her nonprofit and just get some stuff up off the ground. Before we left, I actually brought up that I learned some stuff about one of my co-workers; turns out he has a nonprofit as well! He has this guy he uses for t-shirt creation that he's gonna give me the info for, so that's awesome as well. Anyway, It's nice when she notes that I'm becoming alot more social with my job. It's a small thing, but it makes me feel like I'm making some sort of progress in life.

I got a Iced Pumpkin Chai Tea Latte from starbucks, and oh my freaking god it is SO good. I don't get drinks from starbucks much anymore, but that specific fall drink has become my go-to. We sat down and got some good work in tbh. Fixed up the bio for the nonprofit's instagram, and made some posts. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever gonna actually use all these skills I learn for whatever career I end up persuing. Maybe? Who knows at this point.

Besides that though, work has been fine. The task I've been put up to from my manager is basically keeping track off all the couriers that come in from their routes, and also helping offload. It's nothing wacky really, of course my anxious self may struggle with asking some people for their route numbers so I can cross it off, but as of yesterday, I think they all know what I'm doing and just tell me the second I walk over to them awkwardly lmao. I've also slowly started learning some of their names through this so like, hey, finally learning their names after.....two years? Eh, it's a start.

So, yea. The week has been alright so far. No major complaints. Ahh, yea. Hope you're all doing well!

Webmaster Out (4:33pm)

Sunday, September 17 2023

Oh wow, It seems I've given all my entries titles. Very unique of me I know, oh please no need for the claps.

Ignoring how cringe and lacky they all are, the past few days have been interesting, in one way or another. My manager at my job has been basically having everyone in my DG team play "Manager lite" for a week each and my week starts tomorrow. As much as I'm like, working on being more social and stuff, this is definitely not something I'm looking forward too. Alas, it's something I have to do because this place does not know how to properly run itself. Sometimes I marvel at how we keep this planet running, let alone a single fedex faction.

Also, I've been getting little knicknacks for my room. It's always felt pretty barebone so I got those lil mystery boxes with cool figures AND a GAT-X105 STRIKE GUNDAM. Yes, the caps lock was necessary. Took my sisters yesterday and today, and they've really enjoyed it. So there we go. Some cool big brother points never hurt, ya know.

Besides that, I'm biting the social and finacial bullet and going to that damn bar again. I don't care, I need to make friends. I tried again texting some people I knew and trying to set something up, and alas, they did not respond to me. Maybe it's not a good thing how common this is. This also makes it seem like I'm maybe just a terrible person and actually don't deserve any kind of friendships whatsoever. But consider this: would a terrible person have helped all his friends complete poptropica islands back in middle school? Exactly.

Pretend that last sentence wasn't there. Anyway, hopefully I didn't chicken out and stay home sulking and watching Ugly Betty. Which by the way, is a fantastic show. Seriously, watch it on netflix now.

Webmaster Out (6:13pm)

Wednesday, September 13 2023

It's really easy to spiral.

Like, really really easy.

I feel like I'm in a box. and this box has an intercom. The voice is uh. Not great. The voice will tell me to work. This voice will tell me something that makes me feel really bad. This box will tell me to eat junk food so I can feel some weird feeling of comfort. This voice will make me feel dumb for speaking. This voice will hurt me for not speaking. I want to leave the box.

I can not leave the box. There's a list of things that allow me to leave the box. It's straight forward if you really read the list. So, why not do the things on the list so I can leave this box? Good question. Good. Good question really.

I'm okay though. I can move. I can breath. I'm okay. Don't think about what's happening in the world. Don't think about racism in your favorite video games community. Don't think about people you know having their passions ruined by people in suits. Don't think about the people getting sick again. Don't think about your family. Don't think about your phone messages. Don't think about being alone. Don't do it. Don't do it. Do not ask me about this entry. You know who you are.

Sorry. Just like. Cross this entry out.

Webmaster out (2:06am)

Saturday, September 9 2023

So uh, we got pet turtles now.

Yep, not joking. I woke up today to that fact. My mom and my sister came across them on a walk this morning. Seems like a few of the other babies they saw were sadly crushed on the road. I suppose after they hatched, since the little pond near our park was drying out, they all started leaving, directly in the street right by. They grabbed the two they found, and brought them back.

Here's a picture of these two. They are red-eared sliders, and like? We may geniunely keep them. A turtle is like, extremely different from a dog (obviously) but hey, maybe we can do it! I don't know man.

More will be discussed about them tomorrow, I promise!

Webmaster Out (10:32pm)

Thursday, Saturday 7 2023

Today was a normal day. Nothing extraordinary.

It's currently 2:20am 2:24am and I'm trying to put my thoughts together but, nothing is sticking.

I hope you are doing okay. I hope things are working out for you. I know I don't know the person reading this but, shits pretty fucked up. As we can all see. So I hope your shit is at least, fixable. Sometimes I wish I had people near me to hold. Platonically. Don't say "Your family". I mean, jeez man. Some normal, human conversations. A few silly laughs. That's it. That's all we need. No sarcasm. No Wit. No "bit". Just a bit of normal to cut through the daily insanity.

This site is the only good thing I've done this year. It's fun seeing everyones life through some websites that are probably less than 5 megabytes, (Mine has only taking up 1.15mb as of right now. Crazy).

Yeaaaaaa. It'll get better. Soon. The day it all works out, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe I'll just yell for awhile. Maybe go for a long drive? Who knows. I just hope the version of me that's living that moment, is genuinely okay. I hope they mean it when they say it. For the first time.

He'll be a-okay.

Webmaster Out (2:36am)

Sunday, September 3 2023

I got a pretty nasty headache right now and it's already late, so I'll make this entry short and sweet.

My parents are out of town right now. They left on thursday morning and It's just been me and my sisters. Been a pretty chill couple of days. Every time my parents leave for an extended amount of time, my brain just suddenly forgets how to make plans and do things. It's weird. Tomorrow (sunday) I'm thinking about going to this record shop near me and just browsing the catalogue. Might walk over to the comic store next to them and see if there's any knicknacks I can grab to put in my room. Gonna try to really clean my room, for real this time. Dusting and wiping and reorganizing and folding and refolding, and all that. Hell, might even mop in there. It's a new month, and I gotta feel like I'm making some sort of strides towards a better me. A clean room will definitely help. So yea. Oh, I also ordered myself a new phone case after telling myself to get a new one for over a year at least. The case I had has been phenomenal, but it has been slowly falling apart and it finally just became too much to ignore. Pretty excited to get that in the morning hopefully.

Besides that, considering starting on the art section of my site. It's basically the last section of my site that still hasn't had any real substance added to it. The struggle was figuring out how I wanted to showcase the images, and how I wanted to link them over to the site. I'll have to spend a bit of time learning how linking images from google drive works. Once I have that figured out, I'll see about finding a good template that fits my sites theme and is still unique from the usual layout my website has been using. Hopefully I'll have that all done by next week(?). Buuut, yea. That's all really.

I gave up on alot of social media sites randomly earlier this week. Tumblr felt...like too much. Twitter, or X, or whatever the fuck is just a lost cause. Threads felt like a waste of space. Instagram is the last literal social media app that I find some substanc on. Funny reels, and I can keep up with certain people, stress free. That being said, I muted a few people I knew. I'm formatting my feed to be art only. That was the orginal purpose of me making my art instagram way back when in 2020. To just...seperate the people that cared from the people that did not. Over time, lines blurred and I just kinda got lonely and missed some people so I let some leeway in. Now though, I figured that no one genuinely cares too much about what I make on that account just due to my upload history and consistency. It was pretty bad the last year or two. I don't know. I still like art. Creating in any form is still fun. My brain just is not in the mood for that shit. Oh well. Neocities will suffice for now.

Webmaster Out (12:22am)

Monday, August 28 2023

Another afterhours journal entry. Back to form.

Let's talk about the site so far. I've been really enjoying myself with all the improvements and additions I've made. I got a shitload of things I want to keep adding and improving though, so nothing new there. I wanna make my site button alot more official and neat looking and make a gif varient as well. Also gonna improve that landing page and I have been thinking about pushing the "music and records" shrines to something else. I might leave it as a "Vinyl records" Shrine and add pictures of my vinyl collection instead of mashing that all together. Creating a seperate section for all things music for me could be alot more fun and allow me to fully go into my really extensive music taste and experience (I dont know if that sounded braggy to you too but if it did, sorry).

Besides that, I'm messaging more neat people on here and I'll def start linking all the pages I'm big fans of in the Links Section. They've all been huge helps in making this and getting inspiration so to all that follow me on here, thank you!!! You are the freaking best and all of your sites are beautiful i swear going through them is an adventure.

Now, my life. I've been alright. This weekend was not bad. Saturday I went to a new bar and oh boy was i nervous lmao. But i got out of my car and got my ass in there and the enviroment was like, so cool man. A bit smaller from the arcade bar I usually go to but I did not mind that one bit. I found myself a spot early on (I was one of the first people in there for the event surprisingly). Got myself a beer and played some Street Fighter 6, which like, holy shit it was pretty fun. I'm ass at every non-platformer fighting game so, not too surprised at that. Oh god, speaking of that, later in the night I was playing a bunch of retro games on the lil screens they have at the bar counters, and this older women was going absolutely ham on most of the games. She wooped my ass in street fighter 2 (several times), and we just bounded over the fact that the original legend of zelda is genuinely unforgiving. It was nice, idk. Talking to people, me? wacky. very wacky. I got some games in on SSBU too, and man, didnt realize that I'm still good as hell with bowser, so that's nice to know. Somethings just stick. Oh, the music was like, so fun and energetic too. It was Drum and Bass night so no surprise there. There was an older guy dancing his heart out near the dj table and it just made me happy seeing him, so yea. I'll place an image below for what the bar area looked like and just to give you an idea of the vibe.

So yea, oh! I made pasta Yesterday (Sunday)! So uh....yea. It came out really good. Anyway. I should stop stalling the beginning of the new week. Gotta let happen.

random but, can't believe I let the entirely of RomCom by Jakey play while I wrote all this. Great album. Pls listen. Okay bye.

Webmaster Out (1:33am)

Thursday, August 24 2023

Journaling while there's still light outside. Who would have thought.

So, I'm currently trying to figure out what else I want to add to the website mainpage. I have been considering a landing page to like, give some warnings for what may be on the site and some of the websites I have looked at that use landing pages seem really neat and unique so it's definitely a thought.

The Daydream shrine is also up and viewable so, hope you enjoy that wordsalad of a section. I should also make an index too. Just to house all the different parts of the site in one lil area. There aren't too many pages right now but sooner or later, it will be helpful to have one so, also noted as well.

I'm really enjoying this more and more. Which makes hitting little potholes in not knowing what to do next even more frustrating. I want this site to evolve. Grow. I also want more people to interact with me on here. I've been adding more messages to the main neocities profile area. Liking peoples post and some of their website updates. It's fun.

As for me, I've been okay. Things seem to just blur now. Time is moving pretty fast. Just shows how much of the same things I do each day. I'm thinking of going to a different arcade bar this weekend. They have free parking (main reason I'm trying them out lol) and this Drum and Bass performance going on this saturday soo, here's to trying something new-ish.

That's all from me. Hope you're all doing well. Thanks for looking at what I try to do.

Webmaster Out (4:30pm)

Sunday, August 13 2023

I lied, I'm not real interested in talking about the festival

But, I will say this: I walked aLOT. Like, alot alot. Kinda insane ahah.

So, this website. Progress has definitely hit a standstill. I'm already bored with the look of my site. Would like to change the entire layout, but keep the color scheme, ya know?

I'd be more inclined to keep working on this site if I like....enjoyed how it looked but idk. I should finish up all the tabs at least so I can just bust out a whole new css look and copy them all over to that.

Also hit a wall when it comes to people like....interacting with my website. I think I care more about people enjoying and interacting with me through my site than anything else. I want to really feel like people are walking into my lil room and leaving a lil something for me to find as a gift. I check my guestbook and people stopped adding anything in there even though the views still increase from check-in to check-in. I don't know. Maybe it's the social media brain talking. Just an extension of not wanting to be ignored by the world. Even when I actively am.

Suddenly just remembered how no one responds to my messages. That's my sign to go the hell to bed.

Webmaster Out (2:21am)

Thursday, August 10 2023

Ok, I guess I could at least talk about the festival

Day 1: It being a 4 day festival, It was immediately apparent that I did not fully understand just how tired I could (and would) get from the constant walking. The entire site of the festival was like...basically an full park. On top of that, day 1 had me deal with the worst heat of the trip (nothing as bad as florida though). Being with my sisters and one of their friends, the first performer we saw was a KPOP group actually. They go by the name NEWJEANS and honestly, they were not bad. I love music, and it's pretty easy to tell "good performer" from "bad performer" no matter the genre. They were really fun to watch, and the crowd was super engaged too (which i mean, come on, its kpop fans). After that, they went to watch REMA, who i wasn't really that into that much, but they liked them so I was completely fine sticking around for the performance. We walked the festival for a bit before attempting to see Carly Rae Jepsen, but sadly that was a bust with the crowds being kinda weird to make our way through, and the sound being off from a distance so it just wasnt worth it in the end. We did some more walking around and I ended up making my way into the merch area to grab something helpful. I managed to get a water container (saved my life throughout the fest) and a bandana. Yes yes, I know, great purchases. Anyway, after that I ended up seeing diplo for the final set of the night at the perry stage, which seemed to be where most of the edm stuff would be performed at for the weekend. His set was actually really good, and the lights definitely added a lil something something too.

I'll probably do day 2 tomorrow, since i'm like already pushing 3:30 rn.

Webmaster Out (3:23am)

Tuesday, August 8 2023

It's been awhile.

It's like...1:50am rn as I'm typing this and everything that has happened since the last entry has been very sad. Not in the typical "aw, that sucks, boohoo" fashion of 'sad' but in the "Come on man, this is really shitty to have to watch unfold" type of 'sad'. A real slow carwreck that you have no intention of swerving out of the way of.

Think of it like admiring the flying broken pieces of glass from your shattered windshield. A very clear state of danger and anxiety, and like, hey. Why not let it happen, ya know.

I can't even let myself think that the sentence above made any sense. Ignore that. Anyway, the chicago trip for lollapalooza was uncomfortable. I think that is the best word I can think of without using some usage of "good" or "bad". Each day was a struggle to get through. Every part of it had its really cool ups and really awful downs.

You know, I have no idea where I'll be in september. Or October. Or 2024. I really don't. That's been the case since 2022.

It's scary. Oh, here's a song I'm listening to right now.

The music video for that song gives me a nice feeling. I have no idea what that man does, is doing, or will do. But in that video, he's just dancing. Puts on smile on my face.

I'm hopeful.

Webmaster out (2:17am)

Saturday, July 15 2023

So, I'm definitely struggling figuring out what to do next. Site wise.

I'm working on my shrines right now, but also starting to second guess the theme I have for this site. It obviously helps with getting started and having a solid foundation, buuuut seeing other sites, I know have a better idea of what I want this site to really look like.

For the time being, I'll just keep going with this and fill up all the stuff I want to fill. Once all the info and images and what not have been added, I'll brainstorm ideas for the new look. For now though, this will do.

In other news, I'm going to the arcade again. This might be like...the fifth weekend in a row I've gone? Like, I know it's probably not the best finance wise, but like idk. This feels like all I have when it comes to games and having a drink or two to just like, decompress from whatever mental hell I went through during the week. I really should try this other place I found. I think it would be a nice change of scenary. Who knows at this point. I just have my silly drink and play my silly games (Galaga and Tetris) to drown the voices.

Also, lots of strikes going on. Makes me happy. Maybe things will turn out well for us all in the end.

Or maybe not. Who knows.

"Change your heart or die."

Webmaster out (5:38pm) (Wow, finally posting during normal hours)

Monday, July 3 2023

Living with your parents at the age of 23 is....alot more common nowadays. Just a byproduct of the world, it happens. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Of course, my situation is not the same as many other adults that live with their parents. Life just hits people differently. It is what it is.

I, in the most genuine sense of the word, need to get out of florida. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I do not feel needed here. I don't feel like I'm even suppose to still be here. You may now think "ok, well, move out. whats even keeping you there in the first place?" and you know what? great question. seriously.

As time goes on, i will feel more comfortable explaining, but for now, all I can say is this: my own actions.

If I was a good person. I'd be gone. If I did what I was suppose to do. I'd have my wish. I know that for a fact. I'm reminded of this every waking moment of my life. For the past 2 years now pretty much.

Today though. Today felt bleak. What my life has become became far more clear. Clearer than usual. It hurt. It did not feel good. I look into a window of what my life could be through calls and pictures. One of these days, I think I may lose it. Truly. I have no drugs to mask it. No alchohol to numb it. No pleasurable experiences to keep the thoughts at bay. All I have is the mind-numbingly stale late night shift at my job. I cannot believe I sometimes wish I could be in that cold office forever. Never have to go back home. What a terrible thing to wish. I know. Makes you wonder.

Webmaster out (1:40am)

Sunday, July 2 2023

Another late night. Might just rename this the midnight hour or something instead of just 'journal'.

Went out to this arcade bar that I frequent and I felt particularly weird. I had two drinks, and was playing my usual Galaga and Tetris. Nothing out of the ordinary but I just felt like. Very lonely. Just some guy. These are not new feelings of course but like, it hit pretty hard. Left an hour earlier than I planned.

Was originally going to go out with to this similiar bar with a high school friend but well...It obviously did not happen. They don't respond to me really. I don't think they like talking to me, and I'm just gonna take the hint.

I don't know. This isn't new. None of it. It is to you though. As time goes on though, I'd like to believe it will change for the better.

Hope. That's all I got left apparently.

Webmaster out (2:39am)

Wednesday, June 28 2023

It's really late right now. Hard time sleeping. You'll figure out that this is pretty normal for me sooner or later.

I'm not too sure what is going on anymore. I've felt a real peace when working on this site. One of the few things that do bring me peace and a sense of accomplishment.

Makes me feel happy that I'm finding so many cool people on here. I don't even have to know them personally. The social aspect is there in the activity section but just learning about people through their about me section or just the look and feel of the site itself is enough. I don't have to know anything else. The bare minimum. Exactly how it should have been.

Sorry for the ramble. I'm listening to this song and I'm feeling everything. Is what it is. Welcome to the journal entries.

Webmaster out (4:16am)

Saturday, June 24 2023

Alright. I should really preface this with the fact that this will not be a normal journal. More or less, I have this like really intense daydreaming scenario that I have kept going for many years now. I'm considering the idea of just dumping all the ideas and lore and etc etc that came obout this all here.

How would I format it? Good question. No clue. I'll figure it out though. Still gotta consider if I actually want to do that. We'll see though. It is my site. I can, you know, do whatever I want here (within reason). So yea, I'll peak back in here when I've figured it out.

Webmaster out (3:40am)