Journal

I don't even have the words for you

Tuesday, May 26 2026

Believe it or not, I've barely started on that new site design. Yea. I started, but at a certain point, I just kinda stopped.

The reason being life. Work, School, Family, Hobbies, etc. It all started snowballing into multiple anxiety inducing situations. I don't have an answer for how I'm trying to solve it all. I'm struggling with it all.

I'm sure you wanted to hear something a bit more hopeful. Sorry about that. That's not happening. I'm not sure how many people will actually see this entry. I've abandoned this site. Gave up on community. I wish I didn't. I wish I just kept making updates. I think it would have helped to have somewhere to put my thoughts these past few months.

What a first half of the year, am i right? Holy shit man. Just. Just fucking horrible. Remember the Epstein Files? Jesus. That just. went. I had a feeling too, but I also thought like. Yea, this is the turning point. We'll all band together. Fight against this. Really rise up to the fucked up shit we saw in them. Get answers. All that.

Still went to work. Haha. No one even mentioned them at my job. Just kept on keeping on.

I didn't think I'd feel this numb. To it all, you know. I thought this fire under my ass, it would get me to fix myself. I did.

Up until this point, I thought I was capable of change. Maybe not. Pretty clear this would be the case when you continuely put off therapy. Psych Evaluations. This is it. I don't get why I'd be surprised. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough. I know I have issues. Habitual Lying. Detrimental habits. Unhealthy relationship with food. You name it.

I feel like I'm watching the world melt. Everyone is so evil. I don't know what to do. People at my job. People I have to work with. They're so fucking mean. Not a care in their hearts. It's uncomfortable. All they do is stab each other in the back. Throw blame back in forth. Everyone at this fucking bar. People I tried to befriend from a hobby. A hobby that saved my life. Just throwing slurs around. High school drama. I just wanted people I could be friends with. I barely feel comfortable having conversations with them sober. I don't get it.

I don't want to say I want to die. I'd like to leave though. I'd like to start over somewhere far from florida. I don't think my life can have meaning until I leave. I had a chance too. I was too cowardly to take it, but I had a chance years ago to start over. Start somewhere new. I've burned every oppurtunity I've been given for an easier life. Not even better. Just a life without this anxiety I created for myself. I created my own paranoia. I gave myself the grey hairs in my beard. I gave myself the eyebags that grow on my face. I gave myself the panic attacks. I gave myself the cold sweats. The panic. fear. pain.

I ruined an entire 4-5 years of my life.

To go in my sleep would be a mercy. For what I've done to my own existence. I just can't keep going like this.

I'm so sorry. I just. Ai is like, making me go crazy too. My parents are obsessed. My sisters don't mind it. My job is using it. My school is using it. People at the bar are using it. I want to fucking hit them all. I just. I just don't get it. I feel like the only sane person in this state. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

I'm sorry. I can't keep typing. This is just. This is too much. we can't keeping going on like this. we can't. i can't.

(03:16am)