This is my second go at this.
The first attempt was, to put it bluntly, the ramblings of a very angry man. I don't think I really understood what I was doing until I left it half finished and came back to it two days later. It was just another rant. Which isn't what you came for. That's not what I want to do either. The last few days, or maybe the past month, has not been the best. It never takes many bad days to overlook the good. Some days all I see is red. I hate that. All because I don't know what to do or feel sometimes.
This year, I learned the type of person I am. Only took 25 years. It took being around, alot more people than usual. It took going on dates again. It took going back to school. It took putting myself in difficult situations. It took opening myself up to a new batch of people. A new community. It took more than one person would expect.
It takes me by surprise that a video game I never truly gave a second look until I gave it a chance in the middle of january would have a genuine effect on my life. Finding myself back into the fighting game community was not something I expected, but I'm more than happy that I did. Not only did I get to follow some pretty cool creators through all of this (PhiDX, LilyPichu, Sajam, Lil Majin, Afrosenju, etc) but I was also able to find new communities to join and be apart of. I'll be the first to admit that these don't usually go well. 9 times out of 10, I'm leaving due to difficult people that ruin the atmosphere and make it hard to be something to be proud of. It's hard enough being proud of it with my mom. I can't win everything though. I've met great people in-person, and plan of hopefully going to more events to meet even more people that I follow through the community.
I've taken into account that the only way to really make any meaningful friendships in adulthood is through community. I'm trying my best. To make the best of the good. I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the only truly good thing I've really experienced this year, but yea.
I'm getting closer to finally reaching my AA and getting my degree started. I'm getting closer to finally finding my way out of this hole. I just want this to be a bit easier. I feel like my memory is getting foggier. I don't really know what's up with that but it's been a slight concern. I feel like I gotten far more tired of my family. I think about how I left the house and graduated when I should have, maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe the time away would have helped. Thinking about this does nothing though. I just don't really like my own mother anymore. I don't believe this is some abnormal feeling either. This just makes sense regarding my own life situations.
There's events to look forward to in the new year. There's achievements to look forward to. Buying my first car. My first solo trip. Going to my concerts and shows alone. Going further in my academic career. There are things. This is, of course, while I ignore the various troubles of my family, world issues, and whatever unforeseen troubles hit me without warning. There's this thought in the back of my head every now and then that constantly appears. Will I follow through? Will I finally take my health seriously? Will I do what I need to do?
Realistically? No.
Not to be harsh to my own self but, I just haven't done the work. The hard work. Therapy. I'm not going to pretend I like, fixed myself. I hate my mom for christ sake. I need to talk this shit out with a fucking professional. I talk to myself, more than ever. I have full-on dialogue with myself, yelling and shouting about how just because I know the issue, the issue doesn't just dissolve. In fact, I think things have only gotten worse for myself mentally. These are real issues that I have to tackle before I do something I can't take back.
In the end, I always ask myself the same thing: Would I like the type of person I've become?
The answer, almost always, is no.
And yet there are so, so many opportunities to make real fucking change in myself. There's so many. Especially with this upcoming year. I could really do it. I believe it. My frontal goddamn lobe finally formed. I just, I can't let this keep going. I can't still be here. I'd rather disappear than be stuck in this home for one more year.
If I don't change for the better 2025, I don't think I could look at myself the same anymore.