Weird, right? Practically one-third of the way through the new decade. Scary. Unnerving even.
I'm doing this for myself I think. Writing this. It's currently 2:24am as I start this. To recap a year. I want something to look back at, in the hopes that whatever I say next year, will be far more positive than this one.
I wrote about what I had done wrong this year for a good 20-ish minutes. Felt dumb. To be fair, reading over anything I type/write/or say makes me feel weird. Could just be regular human stuff. It's hard though, really. Considering why I even made this site to begin with, I just couldn't get myself to write physically. Typing made more sense. Got my feelings out.
This year felt like any other year to me, a blur. 2023 was just a blur with more detriments. I called it "not good" in my first draft. Goodness.
This has to be the last year I do this to myself. Sabotaging my future. It hit a new all-time low this year. Surprised even me. Desperation, lack of self esteem, real pathetic stuff. It's a fucking shame. I can't look myself in the mirror much as of lately. Pulling at my t-shirts hoping it hides my stomach a bit better. Embarrassed at my own chest. Physical looks aside, I can't hold a vocal conversation properly anymore. I trip over my words more frequently. I talk to myself more. I stay in my room when I can. It's fucked.
I'm alone. In my own sense. I lost motivation to try and rekindle friendships or make attempts at new ones. To put it bluntly, people don't respond to me. This year has been no different. I never really realized how alone I was when my previous partner left. It was amplified. Beyond what I could handle. Why wouldn't I talk to myself more? Keep myself company? Make myself laugh? It felt like the only way to feel like I wasn't some stone-faced psychopath in my own home.
Okay. Enough of that angsty shit. There are good moments. Moments that did enough to give me the feeling that it's worth it. To move forward.
Getting to experience new places. Getting to learn more about myself. Getting the chance to love. Make some solid enough friendships at work. Experience more music, more games, more movies, more television that effects me in more ways than one. Getting to make this site.
This website is the only way I've been able to truly express myself. Only place I can allow myself to be honest (to an extent). This website is me. My twitter account was not me. My instagram account is barely me. My tumblr account is certainly not me. This site though, this is as close as you can get. I want to keep that going too.
I started writing this on the 26th. It's now the 30th. I feel a certain kind of way about how I want to go into 2024. When you've exposed yourself to the ways everyone tries to go into a new year, you start to feel a bit self conscious. Why should I attempt this on January 1st. I could start doing these things right now. On the 30th. I starting fixing my bedsheets randomly around the second week of december. It's nice. I'll most likely continue doing that into 2024. I don't know.
There's alot to look forward to. There's alot to be wary about as well. I think I'm scared. I want to be a better me. The world is still going to be the world though. I'll just have to maneuver my way through the reality of it all.
Godspeed, future me.