?
?
?
For the past week now, my breathing has been really intense. My heartbeat has been out of wack. I feel weird. Jumpy. Even right now as I'm typing this, I feel like I'm being hunted or something. On edge. Yet, nothing is happening. It's 1:15am as I type this sentence. what's going on with me?
For the longest time, I've struggled with communication. I have a stutter. Sometimes it's sporadic but usually it's pretty consistent. Keeps me from from saying vowels and the number 8, of all things. Because of this, I just don't talk too much. Not many people are really going to be understanding as I struggling to same simple words to them. A fast food worker isn't going to be very patient with me being unable to give them a coupon with one too many 8's in it. I fear any time of phone calls I'll have to make in which they will need me to read back or repeat something to them. I fear presentations. I fear engaging in random conversations that aren't necessary.
I don't feel like I say the right things in conversation anymore. I don't know what happened and when it happened, but I just seem to make people angry or confused more times than anything. I mishear shit. I try to not fuck up and I fuck up more. I don't get it.
I'm talking to someone right now. I feel like there's a loud, blaringly loud "Incorrect" Buzzer being rung inside my head everytime I send them a message or say anything to them. Like there's some in-game relationship meter that's constantly sinking every time I make a decision.
The feeling of forcing some sort of "caring" out of someone does some sort of mental fucking damage. I don't want to force someone to hug me. I'd like to be held. Or touched. Anything. Cared for platonically or romantically. I don't care. Something. It's fucking numbing. Not knowing. It's making me fucking angry. The lack of communication. It's infuriating and I want to fucking yell.
This feeling. This feeling is unbareable. I want to die. I want it to stop so badly. I want to be held and I don't want to feel weird about it. I don't want to feel weird and disgusting for wanting this.
Why can't I communicate this. Why can't I speak.